UnNews:Harry Potter murders everyone at Hogwarts
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Harry Potter murders everyone at Hogwarts
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, October 26, 2016, 19:32:UTC)(
21 April 2007
Hogsmeade, Scotland. Tragedy has struck at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with the death of numerous innocent people. Harry Potter, famous as the "The boy who lived" went on a killing rampage at Hogwarts, and then turned his wand on himself!
Potter first killed two pupils in his dorm with the unforgivable "Avada Kedavra" curse in the early morning. He then paused for a couple hours before continuing his deadly journey throughout Hogwarts. He walked the hallways striking down staff members and dozens of young wizards and witches. When cornered by a number of teachers, he chose to turn his wand on himself rather then surrender.
His friend, Ron Weasley had this to say, "I don't know what got into him. He was quiet these last few weeks, but that happened sometimes, he was a pretty moody guy. I was already up and in class before he left the dorm that morning."
Draco Malfoy, another student gave his account. “When it all started we just stayed in our classroom hiding. Then at one point someone gave us the all-clear, so we all went into the hall. Suddenly I see old Crazy Potty turn the corner and start firing off curses. Potter saw me and pointed his wand, I quickly ducked behind Crabbe and he took the curse full on, then I jumped over his charred body and ran back into the classroom. A lot of people were banging to get in but I wanted to be safe, and had already sealed the door with a charm."
Hermione Granger one of Potter's closest friends explained her suspicions as to the cause of the spree, “Harry had been acting a bit weird lately, and I suspect it might have something to do with Voldemort. Harry said his scar has been hurting and I've seen him torturing small animals and giggling. I think he may have been possessed. Harry may have been famous but he was only a mediocre wizard. I mean he couldn't even fix his glasses for goodness sake, much less avoid mind control. The fact that he managed to stay sane this long, is a bit of a surprise."
Professor Snape, who teaches "Defense against the Dark Arts" didn’t seemed at all surprised by the incident, “I have been telling people for the last six years that Potter was unstable, just like his parents, but being a former Death Eater, no one ever believes me.”
In a bizarre twist of fate, it was recently revealed that just before going on his final killing spree, he sent his owl, Hedwig, to the Ministry of Magic with a remembral containing a vision of himself ranting and raving.
Aurors have released a transcript which included the following: (Potter dressed in combat robes and brandishing two wands) "You thought I had everything I wanted. Fame, fortune. friends, but let me tell you, my Firebolt broomstick wasn't enough, a large account at Gringott's Bank in Diagon Alley wasn't enough. Being known to every Witch and Wizard in the world wasn’t enough. The rest of you had the one thing I could never have, Parents! Parents who love you, parents who protect you, parents who guide you." (sobbing) "All I ever wanted was parents, just parents.................well, and maybe a pony."
The Ministry of Magic is still investigating and a report will be forth coming.