UnNews:Harold Lauder helps Boulder again!
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Harold Lauder helps Boulder again!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 23:45:UTC)(
20 August 2012
BOULDER, Colorado - The first meeting of the Boulder Free Zone having just been concluded, all the buzz now is about wunderkind Harold Lauder, who stole the show yesterday evening.
Having opened with the National Anthem, and having read and ratified the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, it came time to worry about the election of the leadership. The ad-hoc committee was all well and good, but it was necessary to have a more permanent form of government if we were to be in any shape to meet the difficulties we have ahead.
That's when Harold Lauder stood up and stole the show. Harold, as some of you may know, is the 17 year old genius largely responsible for bringing across the blighted wasteland that was America one of our larger parties of settlers, including several prominent committee members, Stu Redman, Glendon Bateman and Frannie Goldsmith, none of whom could have arrived here without him. Former rock star Larry Underwood, being interviewed about Harold, had this to say:
"Harold...what can one say? Whether it was getting gas from closed down gas stations, setting up directional markers, finding supplies...I tell you, he was a real inspiration, just knowing that he was blazing the trail ahead of me. Any time I had a problem on the way here, I'd just ask myself, 'what would Harold do?', and it worked. I can't wait to meet him personally!"
High praise, and from a man no stranger to leadership himself. Others have been equally happy with Harold, including the now-permanent committee, for, without fanfare, Harold stood up last night and said, "I move that we accept the ad-hoc committee in toto - if they'll serve, that is." before sitting down quickly and modestly next to his sexy girlfriend Nadine Cross. And as easy as that, it was done!
A remarkable feat, and one that Professor Glen Bateman is at a loss as to how he himself missed it. "It's like he came by, took a whack here and there, and said, 'is that what you wanted?', it's amazing.", said Bateman. Indeed, the committee as one of it's first actions has sent a letter of thanks to Harold Lauder.
Some citizens have expressed puzzlement over why Harold is not on the board itself, noting his intelligence and resourcefulness. However, his readiness to volunteer for the Burial Committee has caught people's eye, and it seems likely that given his outreach and cheerful willingness to lend a hand that "Hawk" - as he is affectionately known amongst his fellow citizens - has a real future here in Boulder.
As Harold now starts to organize some search parties for Mother Abigail, this reporter can only express thankfulness that a man of Harold's stature and integrity is on our side. Even if that Cross woman of his is a little spooky.