Hardened butter tears through fresh bread - sandwich ruined

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Sunday, November 18, 2018, 10:13:59 (UTC)

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17 March 2007

Albuquerque, NM - Bobby Phillips' day was going well. He'd slept late, played baseball with the local Little League team, and come home to find a malted milk all glistening and waiting for him on the kitchen counter. However, that was all about to change. His parents Bob Snr and Betty, retreated into the living room to argue about all the credit card bills Bob Snr had spent on ladies' underwear, leaving Bobby dangerously alone in the kitchen. Having requested his mother fix him a sandwich, she had failed to answer. Sadly, Bobby ventured into the fridge to get the bread, butter and baloney to fix himself a sandwich.

Then disaster struck. The butter, which had been refrigerated at 4 Degrees Celsius for the last 13 hours, had hardened and when Bobby tried to spead the butter on the bread, the bread tore, revealing the Laminex countertops they'd had installed four years before. Crumbs

Crumbs were everywhere. Danger, Mouse!

were everywhere, and still the butter was still on the knife. The sandwich was ruined.

The fallout was severe. Bobby tried to hide the damage, but it was too late. Rescue efforts were hampered by the lack of body of bread and desperate methods of eating baloney and bread failed to satisfy even his most basic hunger.

Bobby now looks forward to dinnertime, and Government aid through this difficult time.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.