UnNews:Hangover drug suppressed
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Hangover drug suppressed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 10:13:UTC)(
20 January 2007
NEW YORK, NY - Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) announced late yesterday afternoon (okay, it was 4:15 pm) that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has suppressed the distribution of a new hangover cure developed by the company’s chemists.
“We’re disappointed, to say the least,” Dr. Spleen, the project manager for the product’s development, told Unnews’ Lotta Lies. “We had a million-dollar seller on our hands. None of our other products, except, perhaps, our line of birth-control pills, would have earned more profits for us.”
The drug, which came in the form of pills or capsules or in a solution that could be introduced by the administering of an enema, eliminates all symptoms associated with a night of drunken carousing or bar-hopping activities, Dr. Spleen said. “Just think, you could drink all night, get really plastered, and, the next day, awaken as good as new: no headache, no blurred vision, no shakes, no lethargy, no vomiting, no diarrhea, no hyper-sensitivity to light, no God-awful thirst, no feeling that Madonna or Courtney Love slept on your tongue overnight.”
Some of the reporters present at the press conference (but not Unnews’ Lotta Lies) expressed the sentiment that such a product seems “miraculous” and “too good to be true.”
“It’s true, all right," Dr Spleen assured them. "As anyone knows who’s had a bit too much to tipple, a hangover can be nasty--and it can last up to 72 hours. That’s a lot of pain and suffering for a night of unbridled drinking and possible fornication. Our product eliminates all the unpleasant after-effects of drunkenness--or would, if the FDA hadn’t suppressed its distribution.”
According to Dr. Spleen and other chemists who worked on the project, there is no scientifically valid reason for the FDA’s action. “It’s a safe product,” Dr. Benjamin Bennyman said. “My teenage son and daughter used it throughout the three-year-long development and testing process with no ill effects after drinking up to a quart of gin per day. We’ve also tested the stuff on drunken rats. Their metabolic processes, heart rate, nerve function, brainwaves, and all other indicators show only beneficial effects.”
“The reason for the suppression of the drug,” Dr. Spleen argued, “is political, not scientific. The government, as Big Brother, simply doesn’t want to make drinking to excess a painless event; the Mommy State wants wayward youths to suffer.”
The FDA did not return telephone calls concerning their decision to suppress the product’s distribution.
Rumors suggest that a thriving black market has already arisen in which the pharmaceutical is widely available, at high prices, without the safety that the legal distribution of the drug would ensure.
“If I’m going to get high on hooch--and I am--I’m going to take some of Daddy’s drug,” Monica Bennyman told Lies, “and I’d like to see the FDA or even Nancy Pelosi try to stop me.”
- Lotta Lies "Hangover help denied, it’s still blood, sweat, and tears for drunks on the morning after". Instant News, 29 seconds ago