UnNews:Handicapped karaoke singers have their vocal chords removed after "one bad gig"
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Handicapped karaoke singers have their vocal chords removed after "one bad gig"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016, 20:21:UTC)(
8 December 2011
NORTHAMPTON, England -- Three friends with learning difficulties, including one with Down's syndrome, performed such a poor rendition of the Beatles’ classic “Hey Jude” at the Abington Pub in Northampton that the pub landlord decided, for the good of society, to remove their vocal chords.
The news broke after the landlord of the Abington was rumoured to have purchased a bumper pack of best value gags, three 6x6 feet plots of land and a DIY embalming kit. Subsequently it was revealed that the whole patronage of the pub had been in on the plot to end the boys flourishing singing careers.
"They were driving away customers with their ranting" explained the landlord, Neil Bartholomey. "It's not like this is the first time they've done it either, sometimes they just come in my pub at about 3 o'clock, order a dozen Shirley Temples, and don't leave until their mum comes and picks them up at 9!"
Mr. Batholomey staunchly denied any accusations that extracting their vocal chords and leaving them to bleed was a violation of human rights. "It was for the good of humanity!" he shouted as he was being subdued by the police, "if they wandered into your pub and started belting out Yellow Submarine, I'd bet you'd do the same, you're just not enough of a man!"
During an exclusive interview with Mr. Batholomey from inside Belmarsh prison he revealed he does not regret anything he did and would do it again given the opportunity. When it was suggested he was in fact just a racist and the three boys were perfectly adequate singers, he looked alarmed. He stopped laughing at "Louis Theroux on Autism" and looked blankly.
"I am no racist! How dare you suggest that!", he shouted as his Rick Perry t-shirt became taut around his pulsating neck. "I have nothing against retarded people, hells, I even gave money to a charity for retards once, I tore their vocal chords out because they couldn't sing. I've heard black people sing better than them" he said as his brow furled into tighter and tighter lines. "Call me barbaric, maybe, but do not call me a racist you Jewish asshole" he finished.
Laurie Duggan, a freelance antagonist, said the pub's actions were despicable and nothing to do with the boys singing ability. "Those boys had their vocal chords torn out" she exclaimed, "because they were pussies, its karaoke, nobody cares if you cant sing, but their dance moves..." she twitched nervously, glancing around the room. Her voice reduced to a whisper, "it was like watching Alan Carr doing Riverdance."
The consequences for the three boys have been catastrophic. No longer can they pursue the only pastime which they derived any enjoyment from. Now the lead singer, James Smyth, 23, can do nothing but sit all day long playing video games and being doted on by young, trainee nurses. He has been so affected by the incident he no longer feels able to get out of bed and has all his food brought up to him. He recently had a toilet installed a few feet from his bed so to minimize the traumatic time he has to spend away from his computer, or using the name he has given to it, his "precious".
The three boys have already started the process of having their vocal chords reconstructed, and have kindly promised that they will visit Mr. Batholomey everyday in Belmarsh to update him on their progress through interpretive Beatles' songs.
- Daily Mail Reporter "Singers with learning difficulties banned from karaoke at local pub for being out of tune and 'bad for business'". Daily Mail, November 22, 2011