UnNews:Han Solo falls in Iraq, future in doubt
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Han Solo falls in Iraq, future in doubt
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 07:20:UTC)(
13 June 2014
FALLUJAH, Iraq -- Macho starfighter Han Solo has sustained an injury trying to hold this northern Iraqi city from the jihadist terrorists who have stormed in. But Chewbacca is nowhere to be seen and, barring a just-in-time dramatic entry in the last reel, the entire nation might fall.
The terrorists seem to have ignored the insistence of the Bush administration that the U.S. intended to "stand up" a "sustainable" Iraqi government, and even the protestations of the Obama administration that the Americans needed a few more months to retreat and withdraw just before the U.S. elections — freeing those resources from "Bush's bad war" so they will be available to retreat and withdraw in "Obama's good war" in Afghanistan.
Solo, 71, was engaged in hand-to-hand light saber fighting with swarthy masked jihadi storm troopers. These "Levant" troops were trying to board the Millennium Falcon when the garage door-cum-airlock came down on Solo's ankle. He was flown to the U.S. Army hospital in Ramsdorf, Germany, where he will occupy a double suite with "troubled" SSgt. Abu al-Bowe "Boo Boo" Bergdahl and will have to hear the dapper deserter hold court while guards posted outside their room keep either from answering questions from the press. As there are no telephones in Ramsdorf, Solo, like Bergdahl, will never get a notion to call his family. In the case of Solo, this is because no one knows who his family is, although everyone will find out at the end of the imminent post-prequel sequel that he is related to Luke Skywalker, and thus both rivals for the attention of Princess Leia have been jockeying for years over the right to mount their sister.
Mr. Obama was reportedly livid, angrier than at any time since he read in the papers that the IRS had obeyed his order to conduct tax audits of the Tea Party movement. Spokesman Art Carney, days before his resignation takes effect, told the media that the Administration has set up
#BringOurIraqBack and First Lady Michelle will try to dislodge the jihadists by inducing them to enter her "Let's Move!" personal health campaign.