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Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 14:19:UTC)(
1 March 2007
AUSTIN, TX - Texas early Wednesday morning executed the Hamburglar, whose string of appeals had not proved enough to overcome his sentence of death. He was pronounced dead at 3:51am. "This heartless bastard, he caused so much pain," Judge Bruce Winters said. "He needed to pay for his sins, with his life."
For many years, the Hamburglar had been known for his criminal ways. Often committing his crimes at McDonald's restaurants, he would mercilessly steal hamburgers from both the store and its patrons. "My experience," recalled Linda Beam, "I was just sitting there reading the newspaper, eating my hamburger and minding my own business. Suddenly this terrible man runs in, grabs my hamburger, and runs out the door. I cried myself to sleep for weeks." The Hamburgular excluded nobody, in his inhuman crimes. "My daughter was only three years old, THREE!" Heather Mingo told our reporter passionately. "And he just ran off with her hamburger! She ended her own life when she was fifteen, this was so traumatic to her..." in her weeping, Heather told us she couldn't continue.
This was certainly intended to be an excruciating death, guard Bobby Dredd made apparent. "We gave him the electric chair" he said, "and we didn't even turn the voltage all the way up. We let his bones shatter and his body fry from high doses of electricity, before we turned it up enough to kill him. The pain he suffered was just, it was right, and it was certainly unbearable."
At 3:45 when The Hamburglar was asked to by a nearby clergyman if he had any final sins to confess, he stated only, "Rubble Rubble, Motherfucker"
Not everyone was so enthusiastic about this justified execution. A protest of about fifty congregated outside of the prison, a number of hours before it was to take place. Not surprisingly, the protesters were a bunch of pussy Democrat vegetarians. "They obviously support theft and terrorism" a guard commented, after the execution.
Ronald McDonald could not be reached for comment.