UnNews:Hamas Pays Palestinian Workers With Monopoly Money

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20 June 2006

Unnews monopoly money

An assortment of bills from the new Palestinian currency.

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip Mall -- Thousands of Palestinian workers got paid for the first time since Hamas won parliamentary elections in Gaza last March. The political, Hommous-eating party, branded a terrorist group by the United States, the European Union, and Bill Gates, had lost the benefit of Western aide. Consequently, without funds previously available for humanitarian aide, the formidable arsenal of rocks for throwing has dwindled, and such WMD' as slings, pissy old Soviet-era rockets, and pistols are almost impossible to afford. Government workers are going unpaid, and without baba-ganoush, for months.

But on Monday, the Hamas leadership finally solved the fiscal problem by declaring Monopoly money to be the official currency of Palestine. The currency, first minted in 1935, is immensely popular around the world and very recognizable, making it a good choice for the Palestinians. Foreign Minister Mahmoud Zahar commented, "Who wouldn't take Monopoly money? There is plenty of supply, it's nice and colorful, and very cheap to print." Representatives from the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund support the decision as a sound economic step forward by Hamas.

After the announcement, analysts predicted that the emerging Gaza Strip economy would boost the region's sagging productivity and viscosity. These analyses prompted a spike in the value of Monopoly money in the major world markets. Spot prices at 4:00pm on the London Exchange were at $550 Monopoly per US dollar, an improvement from yesterday's 4600 to one ratio. Investors shunned the Euro in favor of the Monopoly currency, and some experts predict that Palestine will soon surpass China as the rising economic powerhouse. A real estate boom in the area is imminent, with houses and hotels sprouting up everywhere. A new flat tax of 10% or $200, whichever is less, was also praised by the brainy guys at Harvard University Jimbo Wales School Of Economics.

Unnews monopoly thimble

This faux-pewter thimble is the lowest denomination of the new Palestinian currency. It's worth one hundredth of a Monopoly dollar.

Palestinian citizens rushed to banks to exchange new Israeli shekels (ILS - West Bank & Gaza Strip) and Jordanian dinar (JOD - West Bank) for crisp new bills, with bank employees opening Monopoly boxes by the hundreds. When asked what he'll do with the money, local bomb maker Abu Hassan chuckled and said, "I'll go buy a piece of the Gaza Strip Boardwalk." Local officials stressed that Palestinian citizens must be careful about how they spend their money, and that any citizens with unpaid taxes will "Go directly to jail", and "not collect their salaries." The average monthly salary in the Gaza Strip averages about 200 Monopoly dollars.

President Abbas also stressed that people should donate to the "Community Chest" to help rebuild local infrastructure. He promised some of the donated money would be used to build "Free Parking" in Gaza City. Funds are also slated for the territory's dilapidated Electric Company and Water Works. Residents of the West Bank are also hoping to receive some of the cash, but officials say the B&O Railroad (linking Bethlehem & Omar-Yunis) must be completed first.

Israel praised the unveiling of the new currency, but was skeptical about long-term effects on the beleaguered peace process.

It refused to abolish the $75.00 Luxury Tax on Palestinians who work in Israel. "We just can't take a Chance," explained Prime Minister Olmert. Israeli Neo-hippies gathered on the steps of the Baha'i Shrine of Bob Dobbs in a sunset ceremony, chanting encouragement to Olmert to,"Give peace a Chance."

The new bills range in value from $1 to $500 and are easily distinguishable by color. In lieu of coins, pewter tokens of various shapes are used. The thimble is one cent, a cannon is ten and the top hat, twenty five cents. A special collector's edition token of an AK-47 rifle, the Palestinian national weapon, is worth one half of a Monopoly dollar.


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