Hamas, Israel, agree to fire rockets attached with first aid kits
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 16:09:UTC)(
In an unprecedented move towards peace in the middle east. Hamas and Israel have agreed that all rockets launched from now on will contain first aid kits,in what is seen in the first major collaboration between the two enemies.
In a new video released by the Hamas Ministry for Peace, the spokesman, Mohammed Akbaru, stated, "When the glorious rockets of Allah come crashing down upon the Jew pig's head, we assure him that it also carries a first aid kit with it, so that in case he is blown into 1,000 pieces, he can quickly patch up the wounds with a bandage or use the ice pack to prevent inflammation."
Israel also demonstrated their kindness by showing a first hand demonstration. We were granted access on a helicopter. Pilot Ehub Begin was our guide. He explained, " See, we are now dropping Napalm on this small village, but on the bombs are attached first aid kits. No more will the children have to suffer! When little Saleh is praying at the Mosque, and Yahweh guides a rocket into the heathen place of worship, no more will he have to suffer while he bleeds to death from multiple shrapnel wounds! If there is a chunk of metal stuck in his brain, he can use the tweezers to pull it out, and everything will be fine!"
He then dropped 5 tons of smart bombs onto a hospital.
The last agreement of this magnitude was the Peace of October 27, 2008, which lasted an astounding 4 days. During that time, only an average of 13 rockets per hour were launched, down from the usual 89. This confused many, but after realizing that it was the work of gypsies, they renewed their frienship by sending celebratory rockets over their borders. Though some doubt that this newfound agreement will last, and other Nihilists rolled their eyes and sneered at this new, Many experts agree that this is an unprecedented step towards friendship, and that the two formerly warring countrys will probably never be rude to each other again.