UnNews:Halloween Disaster X ends in, well, disaster
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Halloween Disaster X ends in, well, disaster
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015, 00:17:UTC)(
31 October 2006
“...why did we go searching for him again?”
It officially started one year ago, Halloween 2005. A party was thrown at an anonymous person's house. Among them was a certain guest, wearing what appeared to be a vampire costume.
The disaster began when that very guest realized he was unable to remove his costume. Witnesses from the party say he ran off into some random forest, panicking and believing the costume would devour his soul.
An undetermined amount of time later, two adventurers decided to find him. Also around this time, the guest (henceforth referred to as Vampire Guy) managed to swim all the way to Europe. No one has been able to identify the exact date or cause of his death, but many (un)educated guesses have been made, among these "He died 'cause of the shit smell" ranking as the most common.
Vampire Guy was found dead today, still wearing the year-old costume with what appeared to be a brown, smelly substance pooled around the corpse. Movement of the corpse has yet to begin, due to both a shortage of required equipment, as well as protests from some forest-conservation group funded by the locals. More on the incident may be reported in the future, if anything is actually done with the shit-covered corpse.
edit Recent updates
18 December 2006
Movement of the corpse has finally begun, after the required equipment was sold to the team by This Guy, paid for in kittens. The local forest-conservation group protesting against moving the corpse was "deported to Belgium", according to Dr. Ragne Tomoto, the leader of the science team.
1 February 2007
The corpse was finally removed from the forest after massive complications, among which were the sudden failure of the gasmasks and Soviet invasions. Another major delay came from the return of the forest-conservation group, when it was discovered that Dr. Tomoto only told them to go away and play Zork. The group, refusing to use common sense, would not listen when the team told them removing the corpse would save the forest from spontaneous combustion due to a certain God smelling some certain shit.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|