UnNews:Halliburton moves headquarters to warmer climes
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Halliburton moves headquarters to warmer climes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 20:51:UTC)(
14 March 2007
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FOURTH CIRCLE, Hell -- Ultra-mega-rich oil corporation, Halliburton, has decided to diversify its portfolio and expand its sources of income (which had been deemed "too dependent" upon the drying teat of the US tax payer) by making a serious play for the highly coveted "souls of the damned" market.
"This demographic is booming" Halliburton chief executive David Lesar said at an energy conference in Houston, "We figured that, as the greatest hoarders of wealth since the invention of the Starbucks Frappuccino, we were destined to be spending our afterlife in the balmy Fourth, so why not set up shop there now to make the transition that much easier? Sound business is about being able to see what's coming down the road, and embracing that change."
The veteran Halliburton CEO continued, "We'd like to thank Satan for not only his support in this transition, and the unlimited slave labor supply provided by these wretched spirits, but also for his previous aid in helping to elect the responsible political leaders who dutifully turned a blind eye while we gorged at the public trough. Seriously, if Satan were a man, he'd be our Person of the Century, and I'd gladly be his bitch." A deadpan Satan interjected via teleconference "You already are!" eliciting laughter from those in attendance.
Wall Street Investment Brokerage Goldman Sachs were ecstatic when they heard the news, and released the following statement. "There is nothing the stock market likes more than seeing two industry leaders merge and create a colossal giant of a corporation. We've been hoping for the last decade that Hell and Halliburton would join forces. This is great for the oil industry, it's great for America, and it's great for the 1% of the population that controls 90% of the wealth. Damn, I get wood just thinking about it. If only my shiksa mistress could talk this sexy in bed!"