UnNews:Haggard still "fabulous!"

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9 February 2007

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Ted Haggard, totally rubbing his hand up and down the photographer's inner thigh.

DENVER, Colorado -- One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive full-body massage and aromatherapy for Pastor Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

"Convinced? Yes. Heterosexual? Not so much." Rev. Tim Ralph told Pink Planet News, "If anything, he's more of a fag than he was before. 'Fag' is what you sinners call yourselves now, right?"

Haggard resigned as president of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice last year after allegations of sexy, sexy mansex with other men, as well as alleged pictures of him allegedly getting fellatio from an alleged male prostitute, surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 strong Men's Christian Health and Massage Center that he founded years ago in his parents' basement, after a despicable God-hating homosexual alleged Haggard paid him for sex and that they sometimes used "the drugs" after they had gay mansex. Haggard, who is married to his wife; a woman who's both female and not a man, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality", "mansex of the gay homo 'bow-chicka bow bow' variety", and "sexy hot man-on-man action".

"What? He thinks he's straight now? <expletive>!" exclaimed Haggard's wife, Mrs. Ted Haggard. "Goddamn, we spent all those happy years together and now I'm going to have his body on me with his...his...sin...inside me? Aw, <expletive>!"

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"I got down on my knees...and I grabbed on to the spirit of the Lord with both hands...and that day, God almighty, I tea-bagged my way to salvation. Praise Jesus!"

"This is a good place for Ted," said Rev. Tim Ware, another of Ted's deprogrammers, sweeping his gaze around the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice's Unprogramming Room, pointing out the chaise lounge, the leather ottoman in a delightful shade of eggplant, and the wardrobe full of chaps and feather boas. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now, what with everyone believing he's a hypocrite and all. It's like an open wound. A faggy, sexy, brown, puckered starfish of a wound, surrounded with little dribbles of sweat and filled with semen...oh, <expletive>! I've gone 'the gay'!"

Rev. Tim Ralph quickly interceded and dragged Rev. Tim Ware from the room, saying in closing, "He needs to get somewhere he can get healed. San Francisco. Maybe Broadway."

The advisory council to the oversight board of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice strongly urges Haggard to go into secular work after graduating from their 'Scared Straight' program. "Anything to keep his gyrating, sin-filled ass the hell out of our church." one member remarked.

The Organization for a Secular America recommends he try helping people, a task Haggard has avoided ever since he accepted the literal truth of Bible into his heart because, as he says, "It's against shit like that. If God wanted us to help each other, the Ten Commandments, instead of being forty percent about Him, would've told us to help our fellow man. Abraham...not a nice guy. Noah...drunk. Moses...dickhead. Joshua, David, Isaiah...all assholes. Jesus...oh, shit..."

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