UnNews:HSBC tolerate verbal abuse of Customer Services

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HSBC tolerate verbal abuse of Customer Services

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10 February 2015


People now allowed to call HSBC staff bloody incompetent

MUMBAI, India -- HSBC has lifted the ban on Customer Services verbal abuse in its continuing bid to pander to customers' needs, however appalling or legally questionable they might be.

The new policy was discovered during a telephone call with HSBC Customer Services agent Sima Patel, a fourth year medical student and part time call center operator in Mumbai.

SP: Welcome to HSBC, please enter your security number…

UN: Pheep..pheep...pheep......pheep.

SP: Please hold....The balance of your account is five hundred and twenty seven dollars overdrawn.....Would you like to speak to an agent? If yes, press one to speak on the phone, press two for secret meeting at a truck stop.

UN: Pheep.

SP: We are currently experiencing high call volumes, please hold..... Good morning, welcome to HSBC Customer services, my name is Sima. I can offer financial advice for the discerning operator, including tax loopholes, secret accounts and money laundering; please note verbal abuse to HSBC personnel is now tolerated, how may I help you today?

UN: Verbal abuse is tolerated?

SP: Yes sir, it was a new directive from management yesterday, they said that customers are now allowed to call us loose lipped, liars and incompetent. I will not take offence at being called a dead bitch walking or retarded. I see that you qualify for a $50,000 credit card sir, only 29.6% apr you could put your loan, gambling debt and overdraft on there and still have enough to buy a Vegas holiday and a new flatscreen. I am happy to grovel if sir would wish.

UN: Perhaps later, do you think this new approach will make any difference?

SP: Not that I’ve noticed so far, except that recently we have had record numbers of aggressive complaints from Dwarf Account holders.

UN: You have accounts for Dwarves?

SP: No sir, Dwarf Accounts are very expensive accounts that keep our high value customers confidential details and dealings; such as wealth and pre-tax profit, under the radar, under a black misty Swiss mountain. They are the rich dark chocolate accounts for the richest darkest customers. Would you be interested in a Dwarf Account sir, you get a free private jet?

UN: No! No... thank you, aren’t they more suitable for rich businessmen?

SP: Businessmen, diamond smugglers, celebrities, money launderers, politicians, anybody really. I never thought after only six months that a Green party minister would call me a fucking whore, or an A-list supermodel would threaten to slaughter my family. It’s proving a valuable window into the western world. I qualify as a doctor next month and start my residency, training as a critical care surgeon at a top Las Vegas hospital. I am looking forward to the opportunity to work on them again. Now, how may I help you sir?

UN: Erm, if you don't mind me asking, how much does it cost if I want to extend my....

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