HMRC: Cardiff strippers better than Wrexham's
Democracy Dies with Dignity
Sunday, October 21, 2018, 16:58:UTC)(
6 December 2015
WREXHAM, Wales -- Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs revealed it was the more attractive Cardiff lap-dancers that prompted the decision to close the North Wales office here, in favour of the Welsh capital.
The move is part of an ongoing review into tax-avoidance among strippers, online escort agencies and adult club owners. Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne announced in his Autumn Statement that HMRC is to become a “digital titan.” The troubled organisation is currently unable to answer over 50 percent of phone calls or process returns. The Wrexham closure will be the first of 170 tax offices throughout the UK as part of a wider strategy to recover lost revenue.
An HMRC spokesperson explained: “The five-billion-pound sex industry is undergoing an intimate study by HMRC as part of our UK-wide campaign aimed at recouping unpaid tax. It is great news we can focus our effort in Cardiff until we finally get “online” and can focus anywhere. Many sex businesses were paying the tax they owed, but we know that others like to hide payments in their fancy G-strings. Some of those bikini tops are covering a few thousand pounds' worth too.
“We considered a number of factors when deciding on the location of the new regional centre. Cardiff was chosen as it currently employs over 2,300 full-time strippers, many studying at the University, compared to around 320 working in Wrexham who are...ahem...a bit cheaper.”
Osborne said HMRC is expected to deliver £717m of “sustainable resource savings” by 2019-2020. The workforce will be smaller but will be better qualified. Since the introduction of self-assessment, as opposed to the HMRC doing it (which is what the taxpayer used to pay tax for), qualified “Tax Inspectors” have been replaced by call-centre operatives, only able to send anyone that does eventually get through to their “Beta” website, because they don't know how the tax system works either.
Desmond Storm, a Wrexham Estate Agent, said of the response “I don’t think they realise that, in regional terms, we have, within 45 minutes of the town centre, a huge and diverse population, including trampoline dwarfs and cowboys in Manchester. Liverpool John Moores and Liverpool University add about a thousand gross-a-grams. Plus our very own Glyndwr University do kinky, glittered-up veterinary surgeons. Do they really believe that the sex industry in Cardiff is better than North Wales?”
- Staff "HMRC Office Move: Cardiff Has Brighter People Than Wrexham". Wrexham.com, December 4, 2015
- James Moore "Autumn Statement: HMRC a digital tax titan? It can’t even answer the phone". Independent, November 26, 2015