UnNews:Guns wreak havoc at Parkinson’s disease fundraiser
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Guns wreak havoc at Parkinson’s disease fundraiser
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 00:48:UTC)(
27 July 2007
Manchester, Mass., At fundraiser to raise money for Parkinson’s patients ended early today after an apparent shoot out between rival gangs in the area.
Most of the Parkinson’s patients were completely unaware of the attacks due to extreme twitchiness which distracted them from noticing the bulets fly.
Before the attack got underway, the fundraiser was raising money for medicine and research of the disease, which levies the person whose infected with it have twitchy sensations around different parts of their body.
Guess speakers including Michael J. Fox were scheduled to speak.
"There were gang members falling left and right, some jumping threw the air," claims Fox, "...but...there was also this cat in a balcony aiming right at me with a 50 caliber rifle. First I thought the cat was a Republican dressed in a cat suit, but upon further consideration, it became clear that the cat that was up there was in fact, a cat." "It wanted me dead." Fox continued, "I think it had something against me because it thought my name -- 'fox' -- indicated to the cat that I was canine." "You know, the old cat-dog thing."
One gang member died of an over-dose from the drug Viagra. His girlfriend said, "He went out with a fatally enlarged tool that exploded causing death." "But he was proud," said his girlfriend Lindsay L. Twenty-five others were bullet-riddled but were too drugged-up to be aware that anything wrong with them.
This string of violence has occurred throughout Manchester for the last 15 years, and residents in the area want the cops to be "more corrupt" to be able to put an end to the violence.
According to one resident, the problem lies with the police, who she claims are "too honest" to do any business with the gangs. "If they would only do some simple commercial and drug transactions, they could have some sway over the gangs," said neighborhood resident Brittany S.
One high ranking police official was indignant at the suggestion saying, "We WILL NOT supply the gangs with the weapons, supplies, or drugs they need to conduct their activities." "We will use normal police tactics such as brute force when we feel like it." "And we will not feel like it until there's a 'financial incentive,' that is, a reasonable contract with a substantial pay raise." said the official who expressed his need to remain anonomous at the point of a gun. Another resident said despondently "I found a dead body in my pool and the police sent a Snip’ar to clean it out for me, they’re just too damn lazy."
All victims are expected to recover, and no gang members were arrested in the plot.
It is rumored that the a feline fatwa has been declared by a cat-mufti, directing that Michael J. Fox be assinated. "72 virgin female cats will go to the blessed one who executes this fatwa," said Mufti Felix el Feline.
The police said they "are investigating."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|