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16 December 2007
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GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- The United States's largest prison camp for seized detainees accused of terrorism, Guantanamo Bay, will be converted into a theme park which will allow families to "personally participate in the constant war against America-hating, anti-freedom, baby-eating terrorist Arabs" at the end of this week, according to a recent press release.
Agents working at the base apparently got the idea shortly after the Supreme Court declared that waterboarding, the agents' method of choice for questioning detainees, was indeed torture. Waterboarding was banned, but the agents quickly instituted the alternative interrogation method of "eggnogboarding," which is exactly identical to waterboarding, except agents use eggnog instead of water, and it's "Much more fun." According to one agent, "We soon realized just how much fun we were really having doing this. We'd kick back in our armchairs, drink lemonade, listen to Christmas carols, and force eggnog down the throats of our prisoners for hours."
They soon came to realize that this form of entertainment could be very profitable if opened up to the American public. "We want to give American children a genuine opportunity to serve their nation, and have fun doing it," says a prison official, "So we're going to open the prison up to the public, and let people take family outings here, to torture inmates! It'll be the biggest thing since Disney World!!"
According to plans for the theme park, a large cruise ship will take theme park goers to Guantanamo Bay, where they will be greeted by a doorman dressed as Uncle Sam, who will give them a complimentary bag of fren-- er, freedom fries. They will then be able to choose from a variety of attractions.
The official announcement of the Guantanamo Bay theme park came in a full-page ad in the New York Times: "Ever wish you could participate in questioning those filthy, towel-headed terrorists at Guantanamo Bay? Well, now, after paying a simple fee and completing two offers, you can!! Guantanamo Bay will be opening its doors as a public theme park next month, and you can bring YOUR kids there, and let them show those terrorists what happens when you mess with Americans!"
"The main attraction, of course, will be the interrogation room," says the head agent, "Where families will pay $5.00 per ticket. They will then be let into a room, where they can listen to jolly, theme-park music as they eat cotton candy, watch cartoons on a big screen TV, and beat or waterboard an inmate of their choice. There will also be another attraction called 'Force Feed the Hunger Strikers', in which kids get to force tubes down the throats of inmates who've been hunger striking for habeaus corpus rights. I hear a lot of families are particularly excited about that one."
There will also be opportunities for children visiting the theme park to expand themselves intellectually, with several puzzle games such as "Spot the Terrorist", in which children are presented with a room full of Muslim men with beards, and they have to pick which one is most likely to be a terrorist (of course, it's a trick question. Since they're all Islamic men, they are all automatically terrorist suspects). Children can also design their own cells for a contest, in which the prize goes to the cell with the brightest, most discomforting lighting conditions. Other than that, one other attraction has been confirmed, the "Qu'ran Toss" in which children try to throw Qu'rans into a toilet from across a room.
Many Americans are extremely excited about the opening of the theme park. "Hell yeah, of course I'm excited!" said Billy Jim Rawlins, father of three, "This is awesome! I can take the kids down there to kick some Islamic ass, and it's just in time for the holidays! Normally, when Christmas break rolls around, my kids are out of school, and I have to buy seven new video games a day in order to keep them occupied! But now, we can spend quality family time together, clobbering Arabs!"
If the "Torture your own Arab" park is a success, America may convert all of its secret prisons to theme parks, and start a global franchise. Guantanamo Bay has already announced plans to release a new toy, the "Torture-an-Arab home kit", which is a large box containing one Guantanamo Bay Prisoner and several instruments of torture, so that Americans can torture terror suspects in the comforts of their own home. It is expected to become a popular Christmas gift this season.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|