UnNews:Group of conservative scientists mathematically disprove that Sheryl Crow and Laurie David "are the American people."
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Group of conservative scientists mathematically disprove that Sheryl Crow and Laurie David "are the American people."
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 09:46:UTC)(
25 April 2007
Camp David, Florida -- Working around the clock for the past several hours, a crack-team of conservative scientists gathered together by The Mouth of Sauron feel they are now ready to present their thesis: that Sheryl Crow and Laurie David are in fact NOT "the American people!"
"First we started with statistics polling," said Dr. Joe Spiegel, a scientist with a master's degree in Mathematics from the University of Iowa. "Even with an error margin of .03%, a staggering 98% of the sample of Americans stated that they are neither Sheryl Crow OR Laurie David. Keep in mind, however," He continued, "That the results of that poll may be slightly skewed, because only those who deeply cared whether or not they were Sheryl Crow or Laurie David may have answered the poll."
"However, our next test was to look at birth certificates ranging the whole way back to 1958, the year of Laurie David's birth, and see how many of them matched up with Crow and David's claim," Dr. Spiegel said. "The process was aided by computer, but still took many strenuous hours of crunching the numbers. At the end of the day, however, the results were in. Although we had gathered thousands of people named both Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, with the American population reaching the heights of 300 million, we felt that at best with this test that Sheryl Crow and Laurie David are 'we ARE [a minority of] the American people!'"
"Our final test entailed researching each and every result we had gotten from the second test and determining how many of them had become high-profile Country-Western singers or were a hippy who married that guy who created Seinfeld. However, we were only able to find two who matched up. Using simple math, we determined that these two, at best, are only 'we ARE [0.000000006% of] the American people!'"
The tests were called for by Sauron's staff after Crow and David claimed, at a ritual irking of The Mouth, the stupendous allegation, "we ARE the American people!" after The Mouth claimed that he served said above group (an allegation that is currently under investigation by a crack-team of liberal scientists gathered together by Al Gore). The tests exceeded 169 Billion dollars, but the White House has claimed that the money was used "only in the service of the American people."
Further testing was called for by Angel Soft tissue to disprove that only "one sheet of toilet paper is needed per visit to the bathroom!"