UnNews:Grizzly bear mauls colt in post-Superbowl revenge killing
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Grizzly bear mauls colt in post-Superbowl revenge killing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 9, 2016, 06:16:UTC)(
5 February 2007
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CHICAGO, IL -- Following the Bears' 29-17 loss to the Colts in Superbowl XLI, rioting grizzly bears in the Windy City created sheer pandemonium. As police struggled to contain the sudden outbreak of violence, things got completely out of hand as one bear escaped from the city zoo and made his way towards a nearby racetrack - there killing one of the colts.
Authorities now have the suspect bear in custody, and are considering charging him with a hate crime based on the cruelty of the murder. "It was very gruesome," said a police spokesman, "the horse's body was literally torn to pieces, and the head was partially eaten." The corpse was so mauled that dental records were needed to confirm the colt's identity (a 3 year-old named "Running Offense.").
Meanwhile, bears across the country - livid over the poor performance of quarterback Rex Grossman - continued rioting through the night. They are taking out their anger primarily in stables, farms, racetracks, slaughterhouses, and any other locations were colts can be found. The Department of Homeland Security has released emergency funds and personnel for securing such high-risk locations, but this didn't prevent dozens of horses landing in veterinary hospitals with multiple injuries. As of 11:04 Eastern Standard Time the President, George W. Bush, has authorized the limited release of tactical nuclear weapons, calling the move a "pre-emptive strike againts this naked aggression on the part of Urso-Americans".
Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith appealed for calm, telling fans and bears that "The important thing in this year's Superbowl was for an African American coach to win. Both Tony Dungy and I are black, so ultimately didn't really matter who won. Can't we all just get along?" Unable to understand English, the marauding bears largely ignored the request.
Leading anti-bear activist and political commentator Stephen Colbert emphasized that Sunday night's incidents are proof positive that the bear population needs to be controlled with stricter laws. "I don't care what the bears do up in Canada," he said forcefully, "but when the grizzlies start killing prized racehorses right here in the US of A, something has to be done." Republicans are already drafting legislation to curb the animals' rights, but Democrats say more money must instead be spent on "education and tolerance training."
"Both the bears and the colts need to understand that the Superbowl is just a game. There is no need to take the rivalry off the field," explained Senate majority leader Harry Reid. He added that this notion must be taught to other species as well - including ravens, dolphins, eagles, and Texans. The Senator noted, however, that lions will be exempt from the program, as they "really aren't a threat to anyone at this point."