UnNews:Grim Reaper Karl Malden drops dead
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Grim Reaper Karl Malden drops dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 06:37:UTC)(
13 July 2009
TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK -- After only a few days on the job, Academy Award-winning actor and current Grim Reaper Karl Malden has died. He was 97.
The full details are not known at the moment, but employer Donald Trump claims that Malden was walking along the edge of his high rise apartment at Trump Tower when he fell over the railing and dropped 50 stories to his death. The testimonies of Trump's Mexican cleaning staff that Trump pushed Malden over the edge has not been taken into account by the authorities.
Meanwhile, Trump gathered a press conference to announce his new Grim Reaper, Viacom Nazi Sumner Redstone. Redstone stated that he would "enjoy causing more good things to come to an end and/or go in the crapper."
In other news, Satan, laughing, spreads his wings. Remarking on Redstone's new position, Satan spoke, "Well, yes, Sumner and I are very close, so, yes, I'll enjoy seeing him put to the test." The comment comes after a recent banner month for the legions of Hell, especially involving the crushing of popular movements in the Middle East and Latin America.
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