UnNews:Grey squirrel upgraded to a Class A substance
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Grey squirrel upgraded to a Class A substance
Fake News that's honestly fake
Sunday, March 25, 2018, 01:45:UTC)(
8 August 2016
WILD WOOD FOREST, England -- Grey squirrels have been upgraded to class A drug status by the EU, bringing them into the same category as heroin, cocaine and LSD. Anyone caught in possession of more than a kilo of grey squirrel, with the intention of dealing, will be facing a lengthy jail sentence.
The new regulation also bans a wide range of activities linked with squirrel abuse including transport, possession, breeding, curing and trading on the underground market. Rodent addicts caught smoking squirrel will also be facing serious fines and extended community service on the forest floor.
In addition, racoon and Javan mongoose misuse has soared among middle-class nests, sets and burrows within the trendier leafy copses. Comfortably off rabbits, as well as the wealthy elite magpies are increasingly snorting racoon as a safe “dinner party” drug, with celebrity users such as Toad and Mole making it appear more glamorous.
All three narcotic mammals are among the 37 types of fauna that now face strict controls, in a bid to halt threats to the natives of Wild Wood Forest and subsequent economic losses — the financial penalty of the squirrel trade is estimated by the EU to be around €12bn (£8.8bn) in hazelnuts alone.
The squirrel misuse figures were published by the Otter of National Statistics, who was damming in his report of the extent of the problem, he said: “Fhe figuref fowing rifing frirrel abufe in miffle-claff houfholfs if fery inferesfing. Refrecfing higher furity, wife availafilify anf a culfural fift, fat haf normafifed fose subfances.”
Supermodels, such as the luscious lichen, Kate Moss, and the leggy, dewy-eyed young goat, Jodie Kidd have been exposed as squirrel abusers, while the beautifully plumed classical singer, Isabel Jay, has openly confessed to mainlining Javan mongoose.
Around 160,000 woodlice took a so-called “legal high” last year, despite growing health concerns about the content. The substances including cat, shrew and frog are designed to mimic the effects of grey squirrel and racoon and have now been banned under the Woodland Psychoactive Animals Act, which came into effect in May.
Drugs Minister Sarah Newt said that the government is taking action to prevent harm caused by animal abuse, from educating litters and supporting law enforcement as they burrow beneath the apparently peaceful forest floor, to weasel-out the illicit underground trade. She said that initiatives are also being discussed, to prevent grey squirrel smokers from turning to skinning, and then skinning-up the much more psychoactive skunk.
- Tom Witherow "Stop grey squirrels taking over any more territory, orders EU". Daily Mail, August 3, 2016
- Arthur Nelson "EU clamps down on grey squirrels and other invasive wildlife". Guardian, September 25, 2015
- Ian Drury "Cocaine becoming safe dinner party drug as misuse soars in middle class homes". Daily Mail, July 28, 2016