UnNews:Grenfell Tower to receive new cladding

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Grenfell Tower to receive new cladding

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Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 19:03:59 (UTC)

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22 June 2017

LONDON -- As the charred remains of Grenfell Tower stand like a giant tombstone in the landscape, a cenotaph for all those victims of neglect and social clensing, the building has once again become an eyesore for all those rich yuppies and hipsters that have moved to the borough. The city council has therefor contracted Rydon to repair the damaged cladding of the tower for another 10 million pound. Rydon has already put the web page about the tower online again. Work will start tomorrow at the window where the fire broke out, last Wednesday. (Sorry, there is no photo of this window available online due to a large tree blocking the sight. No conspiracy theory intended.)

As Theresa May has already announced, all survivors of the inferno will be offered living space in the borough. The best way to do this, it seems, is to let them return to their old flats. As some of the flats inside the tower have become vacant, they can be luxury renovated and rented to even more yuppies and hipsters which in turn will add significantly to the value of the building. The beautiful panorama view over London you have on the 23rd floor will attract many affluent citizens.

Rydon has promised not to repeat its mistake: the unhealthy asbestos cladding from the 1970s will be completely removed this time. As long as Cameron’s health and safety monster still chokes the country with a firm grip, you cannot be careful enough.

Architects also try to figure out ways to make the Brutalist building look more futuristic and post-modern. Certainly, some 3-D printed, tentacle shaped styrofoam add-ons should be adding to the cladding. The tower should also be retrofitted with gills in order to be able to breathe under water in case of a mega tsunami, regardless if it actually works. Due to the fire, the tower got a slight tilt, which makes post-modern architects reach climax.

20 years after the reunifecation, there are still lots of Stalinist concrete blocks in the former GDR, which are an eyesore to the arrogant West German occupants. In order to cope with the buildings’ poor heat coefficient, the Federal Government supports the retrofitting with flammable thermal insulation by means of generous subsidy programs.

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