This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
6 January 2012
Athens, Greece – The Parliament of the Hellenic Republic today officially proclaimed its endorsement of presidential incumbent Barack Obama for re-election in 2012 with nearly unanimous assent. Of the 300 MPs, 260 voted to support President Obama’s re-election bid with no opposing votes and 40 abstaining. Of the 40 who abstained, 20 were in the conjugal area of parliament at the time of the vote, 18 were too drunk to vote, 1 was out sick, and 1 simply sat in his seat with a despondent look on his face.
The governing body of Greece also voted to fund President Obama’s campaign with nearly $25 million of laundered funds, further increasing the debt of the nation and garnering condemnation from the nation’s only financial analyst.
“We love President Obama,” said George Papandreou, leader of the Panhellenic Socialist Movement Party. “That guy makes our current debt crisis look like a small inconvenience compared to the debt of the United States. Our country has amassed only a little over $500 billion in debt since we ratified our current constitution in 1974. But President Obama spent nearly $1 trillion on one stimulus package and another couple trillion on his health care plan. Whenever any of those stuck-up jerks from the other EU countries give us any grief about overspending, we can point to President Obama and our debt looks like nothing. I mean, in the US, every tax payer will have to pay over $1,040,000 to cover all their unfunded liabilities on top of the debt. Our little debt is pathetic in comparison. Obama rocks!”
When asked how Greece intends to get the funds to President Obama’s campaign coffers in spite of overt foreign campaign funding being illegal in the US, Konstantinos Hushitupolis, Undersecretary of the Treasury said, “We intend to acquire $25 million worth of the abortion drug RU469 and donate it to a US pharmaceutical company in which members of parliament own controlling shares. We will then funnel the proceeds from sales of the drug to President Obama from the US company. That way, it’s legal because it came from a US corporation.”
In reference to presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Alexis Tsipras, leader of the Coalition of the Radical Left stated, “How can that guy even think about running? He doesn’t drink, smoke, or use weasel words in his speeches, and for the love of Aphroditehe, he doesn’t even have any floozies on the side. He can’t even call himself a politician.”
Also speaking of Romney, Aleka Paparinga, leader of the Communist Party of Greece declared, “This so-called leader has no credentials. What has he done? Yes, he took the Salt Lake City Olympic games that were mired in scandal and debt, turned them around and made them one of the most successful Olympics in history, and turned a huge profit. So what? That is nothing! Oh, and he was governor of some silly little state. Bah! On the other hand, President Obama was a US Senator for around half a term before becoming President. Now there’s an accomplishment!”
Kristoper Onnais, the independent MP who sat in his seat with a despondent look on his face during the vote, was asked why he abstained from voting. He replied, “I came to this parliament to try to do some good for the country that I love. At every turn, I have been blocked, cajoled, harassed, and threatened, because I voted in ways that did not serve my self-interests or the interests of other members of parliament. These people make me want to hurl. I can’t get anything done unless I pander to some loser who will only vote my way if I hire him a cheap prostitute. I’m done here. When this term is over, I’m going back to my family where I can do some good for them at least.”
In response to the endorsement, President Obama said, “I appreciate the support of Turkey, or wherever it was, but I can’t comment on this until my speech writers send me something.”