UnNews:Grandmother, 96 is "kingpin of crime"
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Grandmother, 96 is "kingpin of crime"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 16:36:UTC)(
7 March 2007
Forget the Russian Mafia, Yakuza and YMCA a 96 year old grandmother has been found guilty of heading the worlds biggest criminal organisation. Patricia Camshaft, from Humshite, near Sexupham, had denied the charges at Carlisle Crown Court. Ms Camshaft has long been suspected of ordering hundreds of gangland hits around the world in a reign of terror that is thought to have lasted 65 years!
In 2005 police raided her semi-detached bungalow and found nearly £117 million worth of pure cocaine under her bed. Her initial protestations that the drug was "for medicinal use" was to form the basis of her defence.
In a separate case earlier this year the Miss Camshaft was spared jail after a prime witness was accidentally shot during a "hunting trip" to Milton Keynes. She had been standing trial for ordering the execution of 87 year old Charlie CumQuat, himself suspected to be a key player in an international gun running and money laundering racket.
Speaking after her conviction, Camshaft said: "I am old and I am tired and I am disappointed, not in the result by the jury. I am disappointed in the attitude of the court regarding someone of my age with my health problems and the way I deal with it. The use of cocaine for my arthritis, angina and prolapsed rectum is the only way life is worth living."
An evidently emotional Patricia continued: "to suggest that I am the figure head of an international crime syndicate is ludicrous to say the least! I wear incontinence knickers for Christs sake!"
Before appearing in court, the grandmother-of-twenty five claimed she was "not afraid" of going to prison. She said: "I'll be every ones Grandma, I'll be treated like a queen. Anyway, I already have plently of friends on the inside who'll look after me, if they know whats good for them!"
Following the conviction, a Northumbria Police spokesman said: "Patricia Camshaft has long been suspected to be the brains and brawn behind one of the worlds largest criminal empires. She may look like a kindly old woman but she has a lot of blood on her hands."
The Crown Prosecution Service said medicinal use of pure cocaine with a street value in excess of £100 million was not a legal defence to cultivation, possession and distribution of the drug.