UnNews:Graffiti artist Banksy paints "worlds biggest speed-nob" whilst being monitored by CCTV

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15 April 2008

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A thoroughly bemused policeman stands guard over "Banksy"'s latest masterpiece.

FAMOUS GRAFFITIIST "Banksy" has today surpassed himself after he spray-painted what has been confirmed to be the "single biggest drawing of a crude penis" the world has ever seen. The secretive graffiti artist managed to "erect" (see what I did there) the image beneath the steely gaze of a CCTV camera. Unusually the picture shows the nob in an uncircumcised state, missing the usual inverted T at its tip.

The first "speed-nob" images emerged in the late 70s and early 80s when bored school-boys began to deface French textbooks and, in some subversive cases, each-others own exercise books with swiftly penned cock drawings. The use of Tippex corrective pens were often utilised to depict a rough approximation of "spunk juices".

In 1987 the Tory government were forced to pass the "Proliferation of Emerging Nob Image Suppression" Act after the cost of replacing French text-books that had become unreadable reached an estimated £34million! It is thought that the emergance of the phenonemom may have contributed to the recession of the early 1990s.

It is widely agreed that the speed-nob craze surpassed the similar penchant in young boys to draw simplistic tits in text-books, former speed-nobbyist Mark Bumshatt (who could draw a cock dripping piss in less than 2 seconds) agreed, "if you draw tits wrong they just look like a pair of big googly eyes. To draw a successful pair of norks you need to also draw the torso belly-button and maybe even some arms, thus increasing the time it takes to draw the tits and increasing the risk of being caught by the teacher."

On average it took avout 6 seconds to draw a recognisable pair of speed-tits. Pitting this against an average of just 1.5 for a half-decent speed-nob you can see why speed-nobbists out-numbered speed-titsters by 6-1."

Unnews Art critic Normon Pulloff appraised Banksy effort this morning, "it isn't big and it isn't clever to draw simplistic pictures of cocks that are one, anatomically inaccurate and two, quite frankly hugely offensive."

"but I tell you, I laughed so hard I did a wee in my trousers!"

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