UnNews:Governments of the world declare "All You Need Is Love"
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Governments of the world declare "All You Need Is Love"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 22:46:UTC)(
14 July 2008
THE WORLD, Planet Earth -- Citizens of our Solar System's third and finest planet, Earth, were met with much cause to rejoice upon waking from their dark, dismal, often rather naughty dreams this morning. Parades and general celebration erupted on every street corner, in every country of the world, even the ones with little money to afford it, in response to what is most certainly the most significant and earth-shattering news event since OJ. At a conference today on some moon (which has not been specified yet, though sources indicate it could very well be our own), leaders of nearly every world country met for the signing of a treaty to end all violence on our planet. Christening the revolutionary proposition the Beatles Bill, the world's most influential men agreed in signing that, not only would further violence between themselves be strongly discouraged, and that violators of such would get a stern talking to, but in addition, declared the rather generalized phrase, "All You Need Is Love," originally stated by the bill's eponymous inspirators, The Beatles, to be a new world policy, to be immediately adopted by all governments.
While this move is certainly in good spirits, and indeed quite welcome by most, it has become the cause of many unforeseen negative repercussions. As happy children and weird old men spend their time frolicking through the meadows, global crisis has begun to break out, all thanks to the, now infamous, Beatles Bill. Large corporations, franchises, and entire governments have begun to adopt the new catchphrase, not only into their own respective myriads of propaganda, but into their actual day-to-day performance and routine as well. And while "All You Need Is Love" may work just fine for the ice cream man, or your local independent toy shop, such is not the case with everyone. Need to go buy a honey-baked ham at the Trader Joe's? Sorry, they've closed down. All they needed was love, therefore a company orgy was immediately called to order to ceremoniously end the company's existence. Neighbor raped your wife? Hiring a lawyer to file a lawsuit isn't going to work out. Not only have all lawyers abandoned the trade entirely, but this new policy has disrupted the very ethical fabric of the occupation altogether. The very concept of a lawyer ceases to exist. So good luck trying to sue your horny neighbor (who, in addition to love, apparently also needs your wife). Need running water? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Haha, oh I'm sorry, I- HAHAHAHAHAHA- oh, no no, really, I'm not laughing at you I'm.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ah man, that was a good one...
Naturally, we were expected to compile some interviews on the subject. So here's a quote by Atlanta resident Gregory Taylor:
|I didn't expect to be waking up to this new, changed world this morning. I planned on getting something done today. You know, go to work, maybe mow my lawn. I thought about coming home and relaxing, watching some nice TV with my family. But...with this new bill in place, I guess I really don't need to. All of the less necessary things in life (that is, anything that isn't love), well...it's all so irrelevant now. I guess...I guess I've just got to start over. My life...will never be the same...but my family and I will persevere.......I don't even like the Beatles.|
Indeed, the general perception of the purpose of life up to this point seems to have faded into little more than a farcical notion. Businessmen the world over have been stripped of all humanity remaining inside themselves, to find that all they needed all along was love. Consequently, many of them rushed out to buy the Beatles album entitled LOVE, and were heard to say "I guess they aren't that bad after all." With a hug given to every member of their extended families beforehand, most of these businessmen were soon to be seen falling out high windows of tall buildings, ashamed at the lack of love they had given to society after all this time. Grateful families gladly accepted their fathers' "love" in the form of social security and life insurance checks. Being that it really isn't advisable to hold an open-casket funeral for a splattered body, the lack of funeral costs for said families has also helped greatly in the healing process.
And yet, with greater understanding of the idea of the bill, all of this becomes irrelevant. Literally, everything. The honey-baked ham from Trader Joe's? Sure, you can't buy it, but why would you have needed it in the first place? All you need is love. The lawyer for the guy who raped your wife? You don't need him. You need love. And personally, I suggest your wife, the neighbor and you getting a little three-way action started. You need that. Love. Don't worry, if you're ethically against that sort of thing, you don't need to be anymore. You don't need religion. You don't need philosophy. All you need is love... And a three-way with your wife and overweight neighbor... See if you can get the ham involved somehow too...
And as the clock ticks down to what is undoubtedly our imminent destruction due to lack of order, and abandonment of all large human interests, this UnNews reporter is glad to have finally finished this story. It's my last one. Seriously, everybody else has left the office, except my supervisor, and he's starting to look really ticked off. I guess I was the one reporter chosen to get this information spread to the world. In fact, I think I'm actually the last person in the world who's actually working right now. I have no idea how you're even going to get this report. It's not like the mail man is actually going to deliver it. It's not like the paperboy is going to wake up tomorrow and ride around the neighborhood on his bike to get the news to you. He'll be too busy screwing his little school mates for that. All he needs is love. All you need is love. All I need is love. It looks like my supervisor could use some love too. His face is pretty red, but I don't think that's "red with love." It's more like "red with 'I'm gonna fucking cast you down to the fiery lake of shame if you're not done with that report in the next ten seconds.'"
So with this, I bid you all, the entire world, a fond adieu. I'm off to fuck my high school crush before the world blows up. Good day.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|