UnNews:Government to distribute chocolate chip cookies to Americans in "stimulus package"
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Government to distribute chocolate chip cookies to Americans in "stimulus package"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 10, 2016, 05:16:UTC)(
19 March 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- Beginning on the second of May, the IRS is going to begin distributing millions of chocolate chip cookies to American families, in what the government has called a "stimulus package." Families with three or more children will receive cookies with extra chocolate chips. Office workers who work more than twelve hours a week will also receive eight-hundred and twenty-five gigabytes of cookies from the official White House Website.
The federal government has described the plan as a means of boosting the confidence of American citizens. "Many Americans live under the monstrous burdens of credit card debts, massive housing loans, college loans, car loans, loans they take out when ordering pizza or purchasing Lifesavers...the list goes on and on," says a White House economist, "But now, they'll have cookies!"
The government hopes that eating a cookie will make American consumers feel more confident and happier, and will encourage them to get out and invest in the United States economy. "I personally can't wait for our cookie to arrive," says one American, "I'm going to chop it up into eighteen pieces, one for each family member, and give a little bit of it to each person. I'm then gonna go buy some Japanese headphones, perhaps take a drive in my German car filled with Arabian oil bought with Chinese money, and then perhaps I'll trade in my entire life savings of $800,000 for one Euro. But our economy will benefit nonetheless, because I'll have a nice, tasty cookie!"
Bakers have praised the package as the perfect way to keep the market from falling into a recession. "This is perfect!!! All around the world, other countries will want to mimic the beneficial effects of the cookie. However there won't be any left, because we'll have ordered them all first! Thus the price of cookies will leave us with a dough of a different kind."
However, many have criticized the stimulus plan as inadequate, comparing it to a program in 2001 in which the federal government distributed a half-empty opened can of baked beans to underprivileged American families. According to some observers, this plan did nothing for America except make all the homeless people flatulent. It also didn't help that the baked beans had to be sent to government bean counters the next year.
According to one critic, "This plan does nothing to address any long-term issues. I mean sure, perhaps if the government gave us bags of cookies instead, it would be different...but one damn cookie? A chocolate chip one, at that? Come on! It's just a public relations stunt."
Congresspeople have criticized this anti-stimulus package mindset. "It's far too cynical," says one senator, "Of course, it's completely true, but it's still far too cynical." Extra sugary cookies will be arriving on American doorsteps very shortly. "I can't believe the government believes this will make any difference," continues the critic, "They might as well give American families checks that the families will all end up saving rather than spending. But the government wouldn't do that. They might be stupid, but they're not THAT stupid."
- Associated press "IRS to start sending stimulus checks May 2". Albany Democrat Herold, March 18, 2008
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