UnNews:Government confirms existence of "Area 7" for aliens in Guantanamo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Government confirms existence of "Area 7" for aliens in Guantanamo
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, March 23, 2018, 09:56:UTC)(
8 February 2008
WASHINGTON, DC -- The U.S. government was grudgingly forced to admit the existence of a previously-secret "Area 7" at its Guantanamo prison facility in Cuba. The ultra-high security area holds the most dangerous terrorist suspects of all - extraterrestrials. "That's correct," confirmed Defense Secretary Gates to an initially incredulous press, adding "threats to our nation can come not only from Earth, but from anywhere in the universe. But we're prepared!"
Akin to Nevada's famed Area 51, Area 7 is subject to much speculation and rumors. Only top-level military and intelligence brass even know where exactly the facility is located. But the Pentagon did confirm that 15 suspects are being held there, including 2 aliens from the 1947 Roswell crash. Labeled "enemy combatants," they're yet to see their day in court after 61 years, despite the fact the government is unable to furnish any evidence against them, and in fact their first words upon encountering humans were reportedly "we come in peace."
News of the facility's existence renewed debate over the use of torture on terrorist suspects. CIA officials deflected questions on the topic by arguing that "alien physiology is very different from that of humans, so what may constitute torture for a person could just be a pleasant massage for an alien." An anonymous military source did reveal, however, that anal probing is performed "extensively" on the alien terrorists, as retaliation for "what they've been doing to us all these years."
Aside from the two Roswell aliens, the identities of the 13 others are being kept secret "for reasons of national, planetary, and galactic security." Some are speculating that the evil warlord Xenu, Scientology's main nemesis, is among those imprisoned, but the government will neither confirm nor deny this. Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment, but reports that Scientology's flagship "Freewinds" was anchored near Guantanamo lent credence to the rumors.
- Staff "Pentagon Quiet After Commander Acknowledges Secret Guantanamo Holding Area". Fox News, February 7, 2008