Government agents avert preschool lunchbox bombing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 07:13:UTC)(
15 February 2012
RAEFORD, North Carolina-- At 11:49 am yesterday, government agents successfully confiscated and defused a powerful explosive hidden in a preschooler's lunchbox. The ordeal took place while First Lady Michelle Obama was visiting an elementary school in Raeford, North Carolina.
Mrs. Obama, who was visiting the school to educate aspiring youngsters on the importance of diet and health, was safely evacuated amidst the scrambling crowd of schoolchildren, parents, and reporters. Meanwhile, the four-year-old girl, whose name remains unreleased, was immediately bound and knocked unconscious by the butt of a federal guard's assault rifle. She will face harsh interrogation by a federal tribunal.
"It was scary," recalled MSNBC reporter Darron Nelson on the incident. "People were running every which way, not knowing what to do. It was almost like a CNN news conference."
"If I had known the First Lady was in danger, I would have gladly jumped on it [the bomb] myself" said schoolteacher Jenine McFarley.
The girl's mother, a white, Christian, married woman in her mid-thirties, was taken into federal custody on charges of attempted murder, conspiracy, and terroristic threats. She was caught attempting to flee her home in an SUV, and will face an additional charge of resisting arrest. The she and her daughter, if found guilty, will likely serve lifetime prison sentences.
President Barack Obama has declared Raeford a state of emergency. The town of 3,400 is currently under on federal lockdown, with all travelers to and from Yoke County receiving thorough inspection and questioning.
Michelle Obama, happy to be alive and well, would have the last word: "I'm so glad our government has grown powerful enough to respond to threats like this with such swift force." She would go on to claim, "This is the second time I've been proud of my country."
- Matthew Boyle "NC school officials confiscate preschooler's homemade lunch". The Daily Caller, February 14, 2012
- Peter Grady "Food police confiscate 4-year-old's lunch, bill parents". Greeley Gazette, February 15, 2012