UnNews:Government Hid Albuquerque Landing With Roswell
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Government Hid Albuquerque Landing With Roswell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 02:50:UTC)(
20 June 2006
Quick question: Where in New Mexico did aliens land in the ‘50’s, causing a massive government cover-up spanning half a century to prevent the public from knowing the truth of the matter? If you answered “Roswell”, that’s exactly what they want you to believe.
We at Uncyclopedia always thought something was fishy about Roswell and Area 51, so we decided to send our intrepid reporter, Aristophania Frog, to investigate the truth about Area 51. What she came up with was startling: “Area 51 has nothing to do with the aliens,” she says, “It’s merely a resort for tired politicians. Nothing happens there. In short, it’s a decoy.” What she next discovered was even more revealing.
"It turns out that nothing ever happened at Roswell. Everything, the conspiracies, the Majestik project, all diversions. The real crash happened in Albuquerque on February 7, 1969. The government wanted to cover this up as quickly as possible, and so they fabricated a story about aliens crashing at Roswell. The public bought it."
"The government’s real base of alien operations in located in a Krispy Kreme in downtown Albuquerque. You might recall the news story about the black helicopter that descended from the sky to buy donuts at that very Krispy Kreme. Well, that was no donut-buying expedition, and I give you proof: That store has not carried donuts since June of 1985, when the government HQ was first moved there."
"The aliens that landed, it seems, are not traditional ‘grays’ at all. The gray was an alien stolen from an old episode of The Twilight Zone. In fact, these extraterrestrials are not even humanoid. They are, however, nearly genetically identical to weasels. The government had cloned them, and mixed their genes with those of real weasels. Then, they subjected this new breed to a series of extraordinary and cruel endurance tests. The super-weasels, as they were later dubbed, passed all of them. These weasels have amazing endurance capabilities, can go without food for months, and are incredibly intelligent and vicious.
The weasels, it seems, have only escaped once, when a box of them was left on the ground level of the donut shop. The Director of Extraterrestrial Affairs’ idiot son had been left to man the shop and inform any possible customers that the store was temporarily out of donuts. Well, a man from out of town—his home was believed to be in California—had come into the shop, and he wouldn’t go away empty-handed. So the idiot son—his name, incidentally, was Jonathan—gave him the box he saw lying on the ground next to him. Unfortunately, the man accepted and was last seen running down the street with the weasels attacking him. Given the hostile nature of the alien weasels, that man is probably now dead, as should be the weasels, since they had never been exposed to human viruses before.