UnNews:Governator declares emergency; goes back in time to stop flood
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Governator declares emergency; goes back in time to stop flood
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 01:13:UTC)(
11 April 2006
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(Fresno, CA) California governor\hero Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency for the state after floodwaters from recent torrential rains broke through a number of levees in the Central Valley. Federal resources are being deployed to the area as president Bush praised the governor,"You're doing a heck of a job, Arnie."
Schwarzenegger directed that $100 million of emergency spending be diverted to levee repairs. Asked where the money would come from, he threated a reporter and flexed his biceps. "I'm tired of you girly-men reporters asking me this and that and those things," he added.
State water officials report that five California towns are already partially submerged from the floods, but the governor remains optimistic. At the press conference in which he declared the state of emergency, he also unveiled a complex plan for dealing with the problem in the long term.
The governator's plan involves going back in time to the 1980s so he can stop a "John Connor - bringer of rains." While back there, he also plans on preventing the brief spate of gay marrieges that were allowed to happen in San Francisco.
Meanwhile, citizens all across the nation are expressing support for the plight of the Californians. In a live telethon to raise money for the flood victims, Kanye West declared in an unscripted tirade that "Arnold Schwarzenneger doesn't care about gay people." In the evening rerun of the telecast, the phrase was editied to read "girly-men" instead. Fresno mayor Bob Hopington encouraged people to put controversy aside during the crisis, adding, "please rescue me from my rooftop."
Heavy rains are expected to continue for at least the next three days, after which the wildfire season is set to finally begin. "It's about time my house got burned instead of flooded," complained San Mateo resident Tom Chase, "but my favorites by far are the earthquakes."
- Some uncyclopedian "[ More on the benevolent Governator]". Arnold_Schwarzenegger, April 10, 2006