|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
29 April 2010
BIRMINGHAM, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is asking for divine help as he faces the last of his television debates against political rivals Conservative Party leader David Cameron and the Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg for Britain's forthcoming General Election.
In a remarkable show of humility, the embattled and embittered Labour party leader crawled all the way from Manchester to the North West of England Lancashire on bended knees to ask for absolution and tea and biscuits from Nora Bigot, Battybag Crescent, Rochdale. This was after Brown was overheard on a television network broadcast complaining about Mrs Bigot's dislike of foreigners including a 'dodgy Scotsman with a funny eye' after trying to mug the pensioner as she was going to the shops to buy some bread. Claiming it was actually a bit of 'vox poxing', Mrs Bigot was eventually calmed down and agreed the British Prime Minister wasn't as ugly as he appeared on television and that he reminded her of her late husband after he died.
Thinking this wasn't very complimentary, Brown climbed back inside his Battle Tank and exploded into a towering rage and spewed invective, bile, blame and self pity over such a wide area that the air space above Rochdale was closed to all aircraft flying at 30,000 feet. More damaging, this was picked up a microphone dropped through the turret with Brown muttering that "...he wanted to meet real people and not drugged crazy grannies..". These remarks were then played back to Mrs Bigot and she appeared on television to ask for an apology from 'Mr Grovel Brown' right away, in her kitchen with a plate of steaming hot Humble Pie.
When Brown was told of Mrs Bigot's conditions of humiliation, Brown ordered a pair of knee pads and in a display of contrition for the press, strapped them on and started moving in the direction of Rochdale. After meeting Mrs Bigot again, a beaming Brown emerged from her house (after first doing the washing up and vacuum cleaning the bathroom) to make this statement.
"I spoke to Mrs Buffy the Bigot Slayer and we agreed I am now within reach of salvation and absolution if I renounce my Scottish accent for starters. I also said to Gracie Fields...sorry, I mean Mrs Duffy...that I didn't mean to call her Mrs Bigot in the heat of the moment. I know now she is not a bigot but a BIG HEART and we both laughed until my advisers said the bromide they had dropped into the teapot was beginning to wear off. So I am glad this has all ended with smiles and in years we will be able to look back at this episode when it wears out its welcome on YouTube.".
Prime Minister Brown added that he hoped Mrs Duffy would stay awake as he was going to be on television later that day to take on the Cameron and Clegg. He said he would start off his pitch with a prayer and would give her a name check. Mrs Duffy wouldn't confirm if she could as the television debate would clash with her favourite show : Political Car Crashes with Alastair Stewart.