UnNews:Gordon Brown WIll Not Step Down

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31 May 2009

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"WON'T, WON'T, WON'T!"

LONDON, UK -- British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced today that, despite heavy public pressure, he will not be stepping down. Apparently he is enjoying himself far too much up there, and so he will not step down for any reason. He has already been up there for far too long, but still refuses to come down. I mean, he really shouldn't be up there, it's awfully dangerous. He might fall and hurt himself, and that would be horrid.

Attempts have been made by various politicians in order to try and coax the petulant Prime Minister in to stepping down and coming for a nice mug of cocoa to make all better. Foreign Secretary David Milliband was seen earlier talking softly to Gordon and offering him a nice new copy of the Beano if he came down, but Gordon would hear none of it, instead he stayed up there and started playing spaceman instead. Milliband said that he was very cross, and demanded contritely that Gordon step down at once or he would not be allowed to watch television for a week. At this point Gordon started to throw a tantrum and broke one of mummy's nice new china plates. David got very angry at this and stormed off to his office, proclaiming that a new approach to politics was needed.

“He's not usually this bad”
~ Mummy on Gordon Brown

Celebrity appeal has also had little impact on the snotty PM; the naughty little blighter just will not step down. Brit-with-talent-but-not-enough-diversity Susan Boyle went and sang softly to Gordon in an attempt to calm him down and get him to step down. But naughty, naughty, naughty Gordon just wouldn't. Instead he got very, very, very cross and puffed up his face and crossed his arms and went "WON'T, WON'T, WON'T!" Sceptics have raised the point that this kind of practice is making a mockery of contemporary British politics. The Prime Minister responded by sticking his tongue out and making 'nya-nya, nya-nya-nya' noises.

Economic ministers are especially concerned with this move by the Prime Minister, they say the with the global recession, not to mention everything generally going to pot, the insolent politician is wasting precious time that the nation does not have. They have tried to stress this point to him, showing him the poor growth figures and unemployment statistics. However, Gordon just sat there and called them girl's names, enraging one of the government accountants, who responded by calling him a "b*****d f**k" and threatening to withhold Gordon's pocket money. Gordon then asked his mummy what a "b*****d f**k" was. Mummy was very embaressed and said it was a type of chocolate bar. Gordon asked if he could have one. Mummy said no. This did not help Gordon's mood and he turned his back to them, started sucking his thumb and cuddled his teddy bear, Tony.

It seems then that, at least in the present time, it is highly unlikely that Gordon will be stepping down. Government strategy maintains that he will stay there and not step down until he decides he wants to. Conservative rivals say that it's best to let him be, he'll eventually get bored and come home with his tail between his legs.

“When Balamory comes on the telly he'll be down in a flash. It's his favourite, you know.”
~ Boris Johnson on Gordon Brown

The Queen has issued the following address to Gordon Brown: "Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed-bugs bite."

Sceptics remain sceptical.

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