UnNews:Gordon Brown Kills Labour Party, Backbenchers; Aides Pick Off Survivors
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Gordon Brown Kills Labour Party, Backbenchers; Aides Pick Off Survivors
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 14:53:UTC)(
20 April 2008
Whitehall, London - After revealing yesterday he was "furious" about dissent within the labour party, Gordon Brown today went on a spree of violence; killing members of the labour party at all angles with the backbenchers being the first to go; a visible dribble of shit was seen making its way from Alister Darling's trouser-leg as the open carnage ensued.
The cause of the attack was attributed to the widespread dissent over the abolition of the 10p starter tax rate resulting in many families on low-band incomes being worse off per year, a move many of the party were unhappy about - despite the promise that this should ensure that the harsh winter helps pick off more congregating scum than multiple ASBOs.
Resultantly, the Treasury Ministerial aide was the first to go as Brown revealed a pump-action shotgun bearing the mark of "SOCA" and promptly took aim, pausing to inhale and fire, blowing most of Ms. Smith's head off and covering several stunned backbenchers in blood and gibs.
Shadow cabinet members began running from the session frantically, David Cameron was heard to say "what the fuck do you think you're doing" before Gordon was noted to swing round, releasing a round that spread buckshot into the chest of the middle cabinet members before Cameron ducked, ran, and was shot in the kneecaps by Brown forcing him to drag himself to the exit, a smearing trail of urine forming as he passed.
At this point, several of Brown's aides stood up revealing handguns, one tossed a hand grenade into the rear launching several bodies into the sky.
Brown then retorted: "let this be a lesson to ye, the plans of this party are MY plans, this was supposed to appease the majority of voters, now you've gone and fucked it all up, this day will mark the formation of a NEW labour, MY labour" just before reloading the gun and shooting David Blunkett in the face from near point-blank range.
Despite the destruction, Labour MP Fiona Mactaggart refused to be swayed and launched into a full speech to Brown over his victimisation of the country's working class - until an Aide fired off a round into her neck causing a gurgling sound as she hit the deck and a manic laugh from Brown as he unsheathed a bowie knife and promptly lobbed it into the forehead of the ex-MP.
Just as all was descending into chaos, the Speaker rose from his chair only to reveal a classic hand-cannon with which he promptly dispatched of Brown's aides before uncovering a pencil in his left hand, which, thrown with deft accuracy, hit Brown in his only remaining good eye.
A recess was then declared and Brown was promptly demoted to the position of Secretary for Work and Pensions.
Labour is now officially considered to be defunct; a national referendum has been declared and members of the public will be requested to attend the vote to select their favourite clip of the shootup for airing on Channel 4.