UnNews:Google to Sponsor its Own Wall Street Bailout

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Google to Sponsor its Own Wall Street Bailout

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30 November 2008
Sergey Brin and Larry Page, those two sexy smiling nerds, just don't know when to stop innovating! As this reporter has been told, Google is now sponsoring yet another "Save the Earth" type contest from their webpage - this is right on the heels of the "Make a Moon Lander in Your Backyard" and "Find Alternative Fuels" competitions, the kind of contests electrical engingeers masturbate over.

This Monday, Google is set to unveil its newest project - "The Wall Street Bailout Competition". According to Page and Brin, whichever team can first raise the viable assets needed to bail out all the global banks, distressed businesses and mortgages and get the plan passed through the House and Senate, will win a whopping $1,000 and a trip to Google's headquarters, the "Googleplex" in Mountain View, California!

"You can even play on the jungle gym with me," Brin said with a sly smile. "And you can swim in the ball pit with me!" cried Page, jumping on a massive trampoline. Brin and Page also took the opportunity to explain their latest products.

"Google Chrome will, like, totally kick Internet Explorer and Firefox's asses," said Brin assuredly. "I mean, yeah, it doesn't display some Java and AJAX documents correctly, but hey, who the hell uses Facebook anyways?"

"Yeah," Page chimed in, "Facebook? More like Assbook! And, you may ask, 'Larry, why can't Chrome display the charts in Google Finance?' Well, I'll tell you why! Money's not important, man, the stock market's just an illusion! We just want you to relax, enjoy life, eat vegan, and help us collect information for the NSA."

I asked Page and Brin about Android. "Well," said Page, "it's kinda like Linux. Except, well, it sucks and it's based on a cheap Taiwanese phone, and it runs the aforementioned Chrome browser."

"Word!" shrieked Brin as he took a hit from the Google community bong. "Android will like totally kill the iPhone!"

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