|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
8 June 2006
The site will allow military command to be shared between up to 10 users, which is aimed to be useful to terrorists and small rogue states. "Many people already organize men into armies and militias; where they are struggling sharing it with other radical factions," said the product manager, .
The armies will be commanded by none other than Prussian King Friedrich der Große, military genius of the 18th Century. When the aging Hohenzollern was asked why he was to embark on another project over 200 years after his own death, he quoted childhood hero Jean-Jacques Rousseau, stating "In the strict sense of the term, a true democracy has never existed, and never will exist. It is against natural order that the great number should govern and that the few should be governed. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!"
Frederick then began telling the light cavalry to go the the flanks. When informed that cavalry is irrelevant in twenty-first century warfare, he just ordered the half-tracks and Hummvees to go there. Justifying this command decision, he explained, "These...erm... vehicles, yes, vehicles, they are close enough to my Prussian Uhlans, albeit without the nifty uniforms and neat hats."
Some White House officials have openly doubted whether the greatest military mind of the last five hundred years can command a modernized, motorized, and megalomaniacal army. "Come on. Fred was cool in like, 1765, but he's gettin' a little lame now. Modern kids want gangstas like 50 Cent and Eminem to lead their armies, and certainly don't like German monarchs," said local Icelandic-American teen Jordan "Leifr" Eiriksson. His girlfriend Stacey McCarthy agreed, stating, "LOL, FRED IS LIKE A TOTAL GEEZER! TTYL!" When informed of this, Friedrich I von Preußen angrily philosophized "Gott ist tot! Gott bleibt tot! Und wir haben ihn getötet."
Google recently bought the online intelligence agency KGB and launched a Mars base, in addition to providing a free party purge tool. Many see this as Google's straying into the U.S. Government's markets.