Google Admits to Censoring Uncyclopedia
UnFair and UnBalanced
Friday, May 22, 2015, 18:23 (UTC)
18 April 2006
(Mountain View, CA) A month into a federal probe investigating allegations of illegal censorship, Google co-founder Sirgay Brin stunned everyone today when he admitted the charges were true. Google, the leading internet search engine, has been accused of suppressing results related to Uncyclopedia, or at best - pushing them to the bottom. Up until now, the company has been staunchly denying the allegations, claiming in a press release that "Sites' positions are determined automatically by many factors" and that "We don't manually assign keywords to sites, nor do we hand adjust the ranking of sites in our search results."
Uncyclopedia, the most prominent online source of factual information, was pleased with the admission of guilt. Founder Jimbo Huang remarked that "It was a travesty that the first result for a search on 'uncyclopedia' on Google was a link to an article in Wikipedia - a parody of our website." Huang first discreetly (using the pseudonym "Chronarion") contacted the FBI about the problem in February, citing suspicions that the search giant was cooperating with the Chinese government to "censor any pro-democracy websites." While Uncyclopedia is fair and balanced, it does contain in-depth articles about democracy.
Although Brin admitted to wrongdoing, his motives were quite different from what investigators initially suspected. The entrepreneur first refused to reveal them, but after CTU agent Jack Bauer was brought in to the interrogation room, Brin reportedly "revealed personal secrets we didn't even ask about" according to lead detective Brian Dines.
It turns out the censorship was due to purely competitive reasons. The Google team feared that with Uncyclopedia quickly becoming not only the most reliable, but also the most comprehensive source of information in the world, the need for search engines would dwindle and disappear. The company desperately tried expanding into other markets, such as news, but even that proved futile as Uncyclopedia's media subsidiary, UnNews, proved to be a far superior and timely service. The laughable "Google Maps" feature is "worthless" in Brin's own words, as it "doesn't even have an accurate map of the world, unlike Uncyclopedia's ()."
Shares of Google plummeted 90.36% after the censorship allegations were confirmed. The NASDAQ confirmed rumors the stock would be delisted by the end of the week. Uncyclopedia's shares meanwhile (ticker: UNC) nearly quadrupled in value, making owner Jimbo Huang surpass Bill Gates in net worth. Analysts say this proves that Uncyclopedia's company motto, "Evil Rules," is indeed one to live by.