UnNews:Gonzales does not remember eating babies
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Gonzales does not remember eating babies
We distort, you deride
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 03:54:UTC)(
10 May 2007
WASHINGTON DC -- In Senate testimony today, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that he did not recall if he had eaten any babies. “I have no recollection of that happening,” he stated, under intense questioning from Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA).
After additional questioning by Senator Patrick Leahy, (D-VT) Gonzales said, "Senator, I have searched my memory. My schedule shows a brunch scheduled for 10:30 at the orphanage, but I have no recollection of that brunch."
"This was not that long ago," said a puzzled Leahy. "You don't recall any of that?"
"Well," the senator concluded, "I guess I'm concerned about your recollection."
For much of the very long day, the attorney general responded like poacher caught with six deer, three turkeys, two babies and a bottle of BBQ sauce in the back of his pickup truck. He shifted his feet under the table, balled his hands into fists and occasionally pointed at his questioners.
Continuing to deny responsibility, Gonzales noted that the questions about whether or not he ate babies was detrimental to the whole Justice Department. “When there are attacks against the department, you're attacking the career professionals,” said Gonzales.
While most seemed to be against Gonzales' baby-eating, a lone member of the committee (Orrin Hatch, R-Utah) attempted to defend Gonzales. Throughout the day-long testimony, Hatch twice called the matter "poorly handled", by far the most clear-cut support for Gonzales. Other senators were not so kind:
- "Mr. Attorney General, most of this is a stretch," said Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).
- "Why is your story changing?" demanded Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa).
- "Significantly, if not totally, at variance with the facts," said Arlen Specter (Pa.), the committee's ranking Republican.
- "Really deplorable," said John Cornyn (R-Tex.). After this blow, from an administration loyalist and an old Texas friend, Gonzales stuttered in his reply.
The one bright spot for Gonzales came at the end of the day. Although much of the Senate was now against him, Gonzales found that he still enjoyed the support of the President. At a news conference following the hearings, Bush was asked about the declining support for Gonzales on Capitol Hill. Steadfastly loyal, Bush replied, "He's got support from me." Aides to the president noted that he had called the attorney general earlier in the day and reaffirmed his strong backing.
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said Bush was pleased with Gonzales' testimony, and talked to him afterward. "The attorney general was fully responsive to the Congress. Again, proving that there was no credible allegation of wrongdoing, the attorney general did apologize for the way it was handled," she said.
This echoed the President's statement earlier in the day, when he spoke to the media saying, “The Attorney General went up and gave a very candid assessment, and answered every question he could possibly answer, honestly answer, in a way that increased my confidence in his ability to do the job. One of the things that's important for the American people to understand is that the Attorney General has a right to eat babies that are a threat to national security. Babies exist at the pleasure of the President, and...and as the investigation, the hearings went forward, it was clear that the Attorney General broke no law, did no wrongdoing. And some senators didn't like his explanation, but he answered as honestly as he could. This is an honest, honorable man, in whom I have confidence.”
Members of the Senate, it seems, are not so confident in Gonzales.
- Dana Milbank "Maybe Gonzales Won't Recall His Painful Day on the Hill". washingtonpost.com, April 20, 2007
- Da Da Gabor "President Bush Meets with General Petraeus, Discusses War in Iraq". White House Press Release, April 23, 2007