UnNews:God sends hurricane to help Mitt Romney
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God sends hurricane to help Mitt Romney
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, April 30, 2016, 07:15:UTC)(
29 October 2012
The Almighty, speaking via a large cloud over New York, said the decision to send Hurricane Sandy was made by three people on the executive board of God Incarnate with the Virgin Mary supplying the freshly cut sandwiches.
"Normally we prefer to move in Mysterious Ways, but there was no chance we could sit and watch Americans elect that Marxist Muslim again. OK, we let Barack Obama win in 2008 but that was Jesus being soft-hearted and the Holy Spirit out to lunch with a prayer group from Utah. So me, myself and I agreed Mitt was the Man for us this year, though on theological grounds, Mitt is all over the place and says Jesus was a space alien. But better a pseudo-Christian than a fake one in the Oval Office."
The intervention of God was welcomed by the Religious Right in America who have been long puzzled why He had allowed "Barack Abominable" get elected in the first place. Now that their faith has been restored, Mitt Romney has "stormed" into the lead with the liberal leaning east coast states not able to vote as they are under water.
God added, "We could have made it really hard for the Democrats by sending an earthquake to California but Jesus said he had a lot of friends there and was also concerned he would no longer receive technical support from Apple for his iPad. I am a natural Microsoftie so I would have spared Seattle in Oregon."