UnNews:God responds to lawsuit
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God responds to lawsuit
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 00:19:UTC)(
22 September 2007
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HEAVEN - Nebraska’s senator Ernie Chambers was pleasantly surprised, he said, to have received a response from God concerning an injunction he filed in the Douglas County District Court in Omaha. In his lawsuit, Chambers sought a permanent injunction against the Judeo-Christian deity’s making “terrorist threats” against humanity.
In the past, God has threatened human beings with floods, famine, sickness, the deaths of their firstborn sons, and a host of other calamities, both natural and supernatural in nature. “So far, as if by some sort of miracle, God has refrained from making any threats of a paranormal nature, thank God,” Chambers admitted.
God’s response, which names St. Michael the Archangel as a witness, declares that no human court, least of all the Douglas County District Court, has jurisdiction over him and that he is a law unto himself.
The response appeared “as if by magic,” clerk court Diane Numbskull told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “One moment, the counter was clear; the next, there’s this legal document in the ‘In’ tray. It was eerie! It was awesome!”
The response also bore the sketch shown here. Authorities are unclear as to whether the drawings in the sketch mean anything or are just doodles, perhaps made by the deity as he considered the wording of his brief.
Pat Robertson, who claims to have a “direct line” to God, says that the drawings are more than just random scribbles. “They mean something, all right,” the founder of the 700 Club asserted. “Together, they constitute a prophecy. The earth and the light bulb, in particular, are highly significant, but none of the other images--the pills and water glass, the binoculars, the test tube and beakers--should be ignored. They’re all part of the same message.”
Asked what the prophecy foretells, Roberston said, “Wait until it’s happened; then I’ll tell you.”
It’s unclear as to whether Sen. Chambers plans to respond to God’s statement, but, reportedly, a crack has appeared beneath his residence’s foundation, and the temperature has increased dramatically, accompanied by a strong smell of brimstone.