UnNews:God refuses to commit to Kentucky
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God refuses to commit to Kentucky
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 04:32:UTC)(
29 November 2008
BOWLING GREEN, Kentuckystan -- Following Kentuckystan's decision to rely on God as their first line of defence against terrorism, God himself has issued a statement calling for a re-thinking of Kentuckystan's Homeland Security legislation. The Almighty issued the following statement via an uneducated peasant child in a remote rural location in which there were no other witnesses.
- "I'm flattered that they (righteous Christians) believe I can save them from Muslims, but I've told them they shouldn't assume I'll be there to help. At the moment, I'm very busy trying to stop gays from marrying in California. Tsunamis and volcanic eruptions don't just happen by themselves. Besides, Muslims talk to me far more often than Christians do, and Muslims are nowhere near as needy and greedy. I can't even visit Christian churches anymore what with all of those women with naked heads and people asking me to make their local football team win a game.
- If I'm free, I'll come help, but there's no guarantee I won't be busy giving leukemia to children on the other side of the world. Why don't you just build a fence or something? By the way, remind everyone to give all their worldly possessions to their preachers."
Educated theologians, with actual college degrees, remain sceptical that this was indeed God's statement, as it's just not vague enough. However, rank and file Christians immediately began building fences around anyone who seemed a bit gay.
State Rep. Tom Riner, a Southern Baptist minister (go figure), added the clause that required Homeland Security agencies to rely on God, but was undeterred by God's statement.
- "God may not be busy, but I know he'll be there to help us when we really need him." he spluttered. He continued "He was there at 9/11 and New Orleans. A scientist I consulted explained that those disasters would have been 33% more horrific if not for God's timely intervention." He later announced plans to construct a giant searchlight that will project a giant cross on to the night sky.
- "Soon as Jesus sees that, he'll a come running just like Batman!" said Riner as he flayed his red-raw thighs while grunting gently as his lips trembled.