UnNews:God linked to cannabis cultivation
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God linked to cannabis cultivation
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017, 01:58:UTC)(
7 October 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- God Almighty has today been associated with a mass cannabis cultivation that could range somewhere in the value of $90 trillion. According to evidence leaked today, God has been working on these crops since time immorial, flagrantly disregarding the rules and regulations that humans have set down and take as gospel. A key witness, who can only be named as M for legal reasons, actually witnessed God himself attempting to burn some of the evidence and to add audacity to the attempted cover up God even announced to M that he was behind the fire.
Figures obtained from the FDA show that God obviously not been growing these crops for leisurely pursuits but has been making some serious profits, though an exact figure may never be known as false profits were also found to have been declared! Several key profits are now known to have become embezzelled in various churches and religious organisations some of which have known links to child-pornography and terrorism -something to remember the next time you decide to toke up.
Chief Justice John Roberts made a statement earlier today that drew comparisions between God and Al Capone - an obvious reference to the fact that God has reputed links to dozens of murders but little evidence belays his involvement in said crimes. The Chief Justice also stated that he just couldn't believe something like this could be left happen in this day in age and that he hasn't seen a criminal mastermind this sinister since he watched 'The Usual Suspects' with his wife last week.
The FBI is thought to have handed over secret documents to President Obama containing photos that show God watering several of his crops and also erecting a UV light for 8 to 10 hours a day. The president is reportedly said to have now lost all good faith in God and feels let down.
God himself refused to answered questions today despite best efforts to contact him directly or indirectly through his agent the Holy Spirit. Some reports say that God begun this drug campaign to search for his missing son, having heard that some people in the southern US had found him, but no-one can say for sure. As for the totality of all the facts and the depth to which these crimes go, only God knows!
This may well be the beginning of the end for God, as, if he is indicted for these crimes he may well be brought before several international tribunals for alleged involvement in flowering opium poppies and coca plants and involvement in crimes against humanity.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|