UnNews:God found dead at age of 15 billion
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God found dead at age of 15 billion
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 11:50:UTC)(
25 February 2007
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BELLEVILLE, NJ - "Dad's gone on to a better place," local Savior Jesus Christ told reporters at his studio apartment in Heaven Saturday evening, as he wept. God was pronounced dead at 12:51pm EST Saturday afternoon of organ failure. The Eternal Lord was found naked and bloated on a motel-room floor in New Jersey, drenched in His own urine.
The Belleville Coroners Office believe this passing is the result of a drug overdose. "We found toxic levels of oxycodone in the blood stream, this guy obviously had a very serious problem," Dr. Barry Dingle told our reporter. Along with the coroner's findings, over ten pill bottles were found laying next to the bed, including such drugs as Vicodin and Diaizepam, none of which were prescribed to God. This afternoon, St. Augustine noted to the media, "Of course they weren't prescribed, have you seen the shitty health insurance we have up there?"
Though the cause of death seems established, the Belleville Police have not ruled out foul-play. "While I am not at liberty to divulge any details, something very suspicious took place in that motel room this morning." Comissioner Gerald Vanguilder told reporters at a press conference. While nobody is still sure what happened, finger pointing has already begun. "Christ, you say 'God is dead,' all of a sudden the geezer croaks and people assume you drugged him up, forced him to eat your steaming dook, and suffocated him." Friedrich Nietzsche said sternly in his duplex in Hell, Level 4, at accusations that he murdered God.
The day was not completely filled with sorrow. Many remember the one true Lord, Creator of all things, with great fondness. St. Paul held warm memories of the All-powerful Creator. "There was this one time me and God got hammered on this huge bottle of scotch, and just went bar hopping. I don't remember ever getting so much pussy in one night, before, or since." Others shared the joy of his life, in this time of mourning. "Once," St. John shared, "a group of us and God bought an eight-ball, and just stayed up doing lines all night, playing Monopoly, and watching tranny porn. God was just that fun kind of guy."
While specifics have not yet been arranged, the wake (expected to be open-coffin) will likely take place in the coming days.