UnNews:God forgives British Columbia
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God forgives British Columbia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 28, 2016, 12:13:UTC)(
17 December 2006
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VICTORIA, British Columbia, Canada, The Earth, Sweden - In what was a relief for many residents, the bout of monumental natural disasters plaguing British Columbia appears to have ended. God has commented that He will write most citizens of B.C. back into the book of life, although He has not given a timeline for this.
The province had experienced a series of curses, beginning with locusts and sort-of-brownish water, then stepping up to high winds, sand typhoons, and full-on scoom storms. The waves of scoom rarefaction ravaged the cities of the west coast until the supply of electrocution, acrobat pornography, and backed-up sewage to homes had all but ceased. In a few short days, every single individual in major cities either was crushed by a tree or talked to someone who had been. Furthermore, power line whiplash reached an all-time high.
In addition, The Truth Squad was tipped off to God's involvement in the disaster when the first districts to lose power, when plotted on a map, clearly spelled, "God is NOT dead." It is still unknown which entity in the trinity was responsible. In our exclusive interview with God, the Holy Ghost continued to interrupt the Jee-man's befuddled explanations with ominous wheezing, suggesting the worst is still to come.
This position is supported by eminent holy men, who believe that the cause of the attack was the British Columbians' lack of stalwart faith, with their atheistic rallies and "Unitarian" voodoo sessions. Others cited the presumed stonerdom of residents and the immorality of the tourism industry. Because there were 7 plagues in the original Holy Bible, approximately 4 are projected over the next month or two. 700 Eastern Canadians have reportedly died laughing.
The mayor of Hope, one of the cities damaged by the plagues, advised the public, "British Columbians should cease their inane blog postings, unprofessional wiki contributions, and lewd Internet use until well into the new year. Lock up your first-borns and spray pesticides as much as possible, although it won't help anyway. And most importantly, hurl more lazy homeless people off Mount Olympus as a tribute to the Great
Paul MartinStephen Harper. Long live the Harper!"
The question remains of whether British Columbians will be too busy buying their 74-degree coffees in Starbucks and surfing Web 2.0 to obey the edict.
Ian Handsomemanthing "Tens of thousands still in dark about massive sandstorm". CBC, Dec. 15, 2006