UnNews:God escapes from his cage!
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God escapes from his cage!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 23:58:UTC)(
26 February 2009
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VATICAN CITY, Gods Country -- Vatican security officials today issued an urgent warning to the public after it was revealed that God escaped from his cage last Thursday. Police have advised the public to be on the look out for hairy, omnipotent beings in their local communities, and to be the aware of the possibility that escapee God may take on other forms. Th press release from the Vatican reads
“It is with great concern that we must inform the world that God has escaped from his cage in Vatican City. Vatican officials became aware of this at half six in the morning when they went to feed him his usual meal of boiling gruel and Snickers. The renegade deity is to be considered extremely dangerous and we urge the public not to approach Him but instead to report suspected sightings to your local parish priest.”
God, of no fixed abode, has been detained by the Vatican since 1965 after a dispute about God's plans to form a new religion. Since then God has been kept locked in a cage roughly the size of a lunch box. The Pope at the time said God had a history of violent and destructive behaviour, and that for the safety of the public he should be confined. The decision was controversial at the time, with many groups calling for His release, amid claims that He had been tortured into confessing. The Vatican has not allowed God access to lawyers or contact with his family but has repeatedly promised to appoint a Jehovah's Advocate to represent the Lord and Father at his upcoming parole meetings.
The loss of God from the Vatican has been met with widespread dismay from most governmental and international bodies, who have issues similar calls for the public to be wary. One exception to this was the Westboro Baptist Church which has repeatedly condemned the Vatican for the incarceration of God. A WBC spokesfag said that the liberation of God was a profoundly positive sign that America is doomed. FBI agents raided WBC properties but did not find evidence that God had been hiding there.
The Vatican blames lack of funds for the lapse in security. "Falling church attendance means falling tithe collections," said one bishop, "this means security budget cutbacks, which means security personnel don't do their jobs properly. I blame atheism for convincing people that the threat of God can just be ignored". Terrorist group Al-Qaida has declared a Jihad against God, promising to behead the infidel Allah. The US president Barack Obama has also pledged to capture or kill God before He threatens the stability of the world.
There are also fears the wrath of God has already begun. Professional self-promotionist Richard Dawkins was found dead this morning, apparently run over by a bus bearing his own slogan on the side. Anglican investigators have stated that they do not believe this is a coincidence. "The outrageous behaviour of our Lord and Creator is totally unacceptable" said Detective Constable Reverend Smith "He has a long history of violent atrocities and is an infamous preacher of hate. We should be very concerned about the threat this individual poses to our towns and cities."
So what divine retribution can we expect? Well, Vatican criminologist Benito Mussolini thinks this could range from flashing Catholic schoolgirls, (as was rampant in France and South America before His incarceration) to the end of the world. He also advised people stock up on essential supplies such as food and cyanide, in case supplies are effected or the pain becomes unbearable.
Anyone with information pertaining to the whereabouts of God should ring the Vatican hotline on: +07 0891 666-1-666. Alternatively the Pope can be reached on his mobile 07331 667 665, (note that texts will not be replied to).
UnNews correspondent in Vatican City, Rome.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|