UnNews:God declares Fargo a test area for disasters as blizzard hits
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God declares Fargo a test area for disasters as blizzard hits
We distort, you deride
Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 13:38:UTC)(
31 March 2009
FARGO, ND -- In a special address on Monday, Pope Benedict XVI announced that God has declared Fargo, North Dakota his new "test area" for disasters. As the Lord is getting older and weaker, he needs to practice his acts of wrath in order to stay in shape. The news came to the dismay of all Fargo residents, who after a record-breaking flood are now preparing for God's next plague - a fierce blizzard.
The Pope was able to provide a few juicy details about the divine plan. "God thinks Fargo is the ideal spot for his tests - just enough population to see how people react, but not enough to cause widespread damage or cause harm to the world in general," the Pope revealed. Additionally, God thought the local residents would be able to endure various calamities after having witnessed all those gruesome deaths in the movie "Fargo." An added benefit would be a general increase in faith, with fearful citizens flocking to church for divine forgiveness. Already last Sunday's church attendance was up 50% from a week before, and this despite three local houses of worship being under water.
The Vatican further revealed why God chose a flood to be his first test. This was to ensure that if humanity disappoints God once again, He will be able to whip up a second Great Flood over the whole world without any embarrassing mishaps. After this coming blizzard, the Lord plans to strike the city down with an earthquake, followed by a tornado. Then, he will rehearse the ten great plagues from the Old Testament, "just in case they are needed again." The Pope warned, however, that they would come in a random order, just to "make it a surprise."
Although Fargo's population is mostly Christian, the minority Jews and Muslims were highly offended that God chose to express his will through the Catholic Pope. But the Pope assured those of other faiths that "God treats all equally," and that their homes and lives would be equally, if not more so, affected by the coming disasters. Local atheists dismissed the Pope's announcement as hogwash, but Benedict warned them that "they will believe once they see Fargo's Red River actually turn red - with their blood." Before the oncoming blizzard cut off TV broadcast signals, the Pope gave everyone in the affected area one last piece of advice, telling them to "read the story of Job and pay tithes to the church."