God assures Trump of continuing sunrises
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 21, 2018, 09:53:UTC)(
18 November 2016
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to President-elect Donald Trump that the sun will continue to rise for the foreseeable future, and in any case not end before his inauguration.
Mr. Trump tweeted this morning: Just got a call from my friend God - sez no dark mornings. Sun not Mexico-bound after all - Gotta love it! After consultation with his humility coach, a follow-on tweet read: Worked hard with everyone in the Afterlife to get to here. Thanks to the Omnipotent for his faith in me! Good God! Mr. Trump's tongue is indeed exhausted from the grueling workload, though spokeswoman-designate Ann Coulter pointed out that Mr. Trump has had no coughing fits, episodes of stumbling, nor claims of amnesia in FBI interviews.
Back on terra firma, from which Mr. Trump jawboned the Almighty, the comparatively faithless journalists in the Mainstream Media, who have spent the entire week carping that the transition team is disorganized, behind schedule, and leaving for hamburgers without notifying them, pointed out that — as with Mr. Trump's previous tweets on Ford Motor Company pulling out of Kentucky — God never did plan to terminate production, nor even to relocate sunrises to Mexico, where some say they belong.
Ford builds Escape and MKC compact crossovers at the Louisville plant. The MKC run ends in 2019, but Ford had negotiated with the United Auto Workers to continue to build something there — perhaps iPhones. It is the dirt-cheap Focus, built in Dearborn, Michigan, that Ford had stated in 2014 would move to San Luis Potosí, Mexico, which does not have a $15 minimum wage, requirements for gender-neutral washrooms, or mandatory five-times-daily prayer breaks with company-provided rugs facing Windsor, Ontario. Even in that case, however, the Company said the Dearborn plant would remain open. It will be filled with clerks filing paperwork to try to block unemployment compensation claims by ex-workers.
Mr. Trump sought to dispel talk that he is infallible by inviting perennial loser Mitt Romney to the Trump Tower to interview for an important government job — perhaps to take the place of John Kerry.
- Melissa Burden "Ford: Despite Trump tweet, Ky. jobs never Mexico-bound". Detroit News, November 18, 2016
- Kevin Jackson "Media Fit to Be Tied as Trump Goes to Dinner Without Press". The Blacksphere, November 16, 2016
- Howie Carr "For Mitt Romney, ‘never’ is a very short time". Boston Herald, November 18, 2016