UnNews:God Sick of all the Whining
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God Sick of all the Whining
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 01:31:UTC)(
2 August 2008
HEAVEN, The Sky: God has recently announced that he's sick of humanity's whining.
"It's just relentless! You guys just won't shut your mouths," he complained earlier today, before continuing in a squeaky, mocking voice: "Oh, my girlfriend broke up with me! This stupid website offended me! God, help me, I have cancer! Waaah! Well, guess what? I don't give a shit anymore!"
God also announced that he is planning to take a vacation for approximately ten Earth years, in which time all prayers and disasters will go unnoticed. "You're just going to have to just suck it up, because I'm going to have myself a little siesta. Get some drinks, get a couple of friends round, watch some football... y'know, the basics." God was also considering "getting some pizza delivered."
Humanity has expressed concern over God's willful ignorance of their problems. "The last time that God took time off like this was when the Black Plague occurred," said Pastor Johnathan Townshend of the Westborough Methodist Church. "It's highly suggested that you stock up for the apocalypse, or perhaps just global thermonuclear war." Pastor Townshend also added that "shit is going to go down".
When asked about the possible extinction of the human race, God, reclining in his easy chair, simply shrugged. He then sipped his ice-cold, foamy-headed, heavenly-tasting beer, concluding, after a nonchalant sigh, "work it out amongst yourselves."