UnNews:God Punishing All Australians; "Rolf Harris, you're next!" Says God
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God Punishing All Australians; "Rolf Harris, you're next!" Says God
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 00:30:UTC)(
8 September 2006
Heaven - Two high-profile celebrity deaths in Australia this week are the result of God punishing all Australians for continued offenses against mankind, official Heaven spokesperson Jebus Christ has revealed.
Self-proclaimed Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - the son of God - said "The deaths of Steve Irwin and Peter Brock, while unfortunate, are simply daddy striking down upon thee with great vengeance for being total douchebags. Suck on that, assholes!"
Irwin was tragically killed by a stingray earlier this week while filming a nature documentary with his daughter, Bindi. Irwin was killed almost instantly, having time only to utter one last "Crikey, did you see how big that fella was". Brock was killed today while competing in a rally in Western Australia when the vehicle he was driving hit a tree. Brock was killed instantly. Irwin is understood to have told God, "I said croc!"
"We warned them and they just didn't fucking listen! It's their own fault!", claimed son of God Christ. Exactly what Australia has done to upset these weirdo Christians remains unclear, although already speculation on the internet suggests that the Christian God is angry with Australia for not killing enough Muslims and Homos in the global War on Terror and the less-publicised global War on Homos.
"I'm still pissed off Colin Thiele wasn't writing when he died. Rolf Harris better fucking watch it. That motherfucker wobbleboard arsehole is next!" added God.