God Orders Global Women Recall
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, January 17, 2019, 19:46:UTC)(
21 February 2010
HEAVEN -- God is recalling 1958-1990 women worldwide because of a multitude of problems, marking another setback for the deity already plagued with a chariot-load of other problems. The recall will include 40,000,000 American women, 10,000,000 British women, 2 billion Asian women, and 6 billion other women world-wide. In addition, God is recalling about 200,000,000 preteen girls who "show significant signs of defects which will only grow as they age."
In the U.S., hospitals will send letters to more than 20,000,000 men who either are related to a woman, were stupid enough to get involved in a relationship with a woman, or know a woman, apologizing for the mistake and letting them know to bring their women into dealerships.
The recall of the women is another blow to the Almighty's reputation for screwing-up life. Past bumbles include the creation of Sade, Politicians, and the Duck-billed Platypus. "I don't know what I was thinking. I am truly sorry." God is quoted as saying.
Joey Briles, Chief Anthropologist at the University of Arizona at Lake Havasu said "If you ask any man today to name the top three thorns in his side, women would rank #1, followed by women, then the IRS." Added Tom Kinzer, Dean of Las Vegas Nevada's School for the Perpetually Hammered "God might have waited too long. Initial reports began streaming in to the Lord 2,000 years ago and they've pretty much gone ignored over the years. He simply has not addressed the issue fast enough & the general public is losing faith in him. May I have another beer please?".
Woman problems have indeed plagued man since the dawn of time. Eve bugged the bajeezus out of Adam then ate an apple and from then on things just went to shambles. Julius Caesar was driven crazy by his teenage daughter's incessant whine "But Daaaaddy, I NEED a pony-you NEVER understand! I HATE YOU!", Eisenhower went to war to get away from his wife and because "At least Rommel was a Gentleman!", and both Adam Baldwin and David Hasselhoff have been drug through the media recently due to their adolescent daughters.
Meanwhile, God the people-maker moved to shore up his image in the U.S. by launching a nationwide campaign Sunday. "Yo Bro', I Apologize" is a series of 60 second spots airing during NBA games which shows God as a Black beer delivery man delivering cases of beer to men watching the game on their couches as a token of his apology for his creation of dames. "I promise I'll make the next one's hotter, useful, and compliant." "What about thin and attractive?!" asked Paul Campbell, Shoemaker. "And thin & attractive too." God is quoted as saying. The narrator then talks about how God has not lived up to men's expectations and talks about what he is doing to remedy the problems.
Late last month Buddha temporarily suspended the reincarnation of eighty thousand women in the Philippines because of "whiny voices", but both production and distribution have resumed. The quality problems which prompted Buddha, the Buddhist religion's founder, to issue an apology. "I am deeply sorry about the inconvenience and concern. What was I thinking?! I'm a dope!" Both Buddha and God have joined to form a global task force to improve quality.
- Adam Bein "God says "Uh...OOPS."". Fort Worth Gossip, February 20, 2010
- Pagal Patrakar "Creationists propose “Intelligent Recall” theory to explain extinction of species". Faking News, February 20, 2010