UnNews:God Disappointed in Jesus' Father's Day Gift
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God Disappointed in Jesus' Father's Day Gift
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 13:47:UTC)(
19 June 2006
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WEST VIRGINIA, Almost Heaven Creator of the universe, God the Father was reportedly sorely disappointed in the Father's Day gift he received from his only Son, Jesus Christ. The present, according to Heaven's spokespope Benedict XVI, was a novelty tie depicting the Andromeda galaxy as a gaping vagina with the slogan, "Andromeda? Yeah I fucked her." This is the 1,974th year that Jesus presented a tie to the Big "Dad" for Father's Day. Christian Scientists blame this repeated, selfish act of lame gift-giving for such Acts of God as 9/11, the Valentines Day Massacre, the San Francisco Gay Outbreak, partying like it's 1999, the Bird Flu, Alex Trebek, Alex Trebek's son, Hurricane Katrina, your mom's noodle casserole, and the defeat of the South in the Civil War.
Tensions in God's family have been high ever since God the Father sacrificed his Son for all the sins of the world in 32 A.D. He allowed Jesus to be beaten and crucified, ignoring his calls of "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" Mary, the Virgin Mother, has tried to explain repeatedly to Jesus that the sacrifice was "for the good of the world" and that "the world doesn't revolve around Him", but Christ is known to have harboured a grudge all these years.
In retaliation for the crappy gift, God is keeping Jesus grounded, forbidding him from going out to Earth for the Rapture and banning Him from all titty bars until 2098. Joseph, Jesus' step-father and Mary's boy toy, didn't receive any gifts at all, but rather endured a tirade from Christ culminating in His saying, "You're not my real father!"
Long time friend and neighbour Allah expressed sympathy for God, saying, "Muhammed called as He always does on Father's Day, but He's so busy with idiots corrupting His teachings, I can't begrudge Him at all. Poor God, though, always with the cheap presents from His Kid. You'd think Jesus would at least show a little love for His Dad. After all, He's older than Muhammed. He should know better."
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God's daughter Holly Spirit, on the other hand, picked out an awsome gift for her Dad—a video iPod. But God didn't seem to care much about that—everyone knows that Jesus is His favorite child by far, and it's His respect and admiration that God seeks. Sadly for her, only Pentecostals really care about Holly. As she was heard muttering when she walked away, "How can You know what I can do if You never let me try?"
The Divine Family ate a special Father's Day dinner at the Olive Garden, where they were joined by friends Vishnu and Ganesh. Wafers and wine were the highlight of the meal, although when the wine ran out, a sulky Jesus refused to turn water into more wine, choosing instead to change the orange juice into Kentucky Bourbon.